The Man in the Arena and Other Thoughts..

This was probably the worst Sundays I have ever experienced in a very very long time.. I'm not going to get into the reasons because that would mean using the blog as a Dear Diary and I want to try to avoid doing that as far as possible.. The world is not interested in my sappy stories, right? Anyway, so let me instead try the thing where I use writing as a means to lay out my myriad thoughts one by one in an attempt to deconstruct the mesh in my head. A Pensieve sounds fancier than a Dear Diary, eh? :-)

[Thought 1]

Today was one of those days where I realized how unpredictable life is. Not that I didn't know that before, but sometimes things happen that make the brutal reality of the situation take over your whole existence like an avalanche. Makes me wonder why the universe is designed in this way, though. Why is it that perfect moments seem to end so quickly whereas the worse phases seem to linger on forever?! Why is it that just when we have taken out our Lazy-boy and decided that we deserve to rest for a measly five minutes, we are called to the war-front all over again? Now don't give me the crap about learning to appreciate the good while it lasts! Just for today, I am tired of being grateful and learning to smell the roses and counting my blessings. It sounds very Oprah-like and I don't like her! :-P

[Thought 2]

Expectations. They say, if you want to learn to be happy, lower your expectations. In a disturbing way, that is true, especially of people. We expect from people we care about the most. We expect them to make us part of their life. We expect them to understand us and be there for us without being told. We expect them to stand up for us, to support us and to love us even when we are at our worst. But very few people are lucky enough to get someone who matches these expectations. Which is where all the problems arise. Of course, the easiest thing to do is to just be yourself and let others be themselves too. Accept people for who they really are instead of making them match the mould you have created in your mind about that relationship.

The same goes with life. I remember this TED talk I heard by Sir Ken Robinson where he says that we need to dis-enthrall ourselves from the natural order of things in order to really bring about a change. So true, right! Breaking away from the patterns we have created in our minds is the only way to allow new ones to take their place. But why is it that the sanest solutions are always the hardest to implement?

[Thought 3]

How many of you believe that we are always given signs which let us know whether we are on the right path or not? A dear friend and I were talking about it once- she was about to make a very big move from place A to place B and was in two minds about it. And somehow since the past few weeks, random things just kept falling into place in B and falling out of place in A - which was sort of a sign that it is indeed time to move. I have experienced that once before too.. Just one more element of mystery in the design of this universe, I say..

[Thought 4]

I was talking to this guy and he was telling me about the girl he is dating. He seemed to like her a lot. But in the course of our conversation about many things- he happened to mention how much he hates a particular profession, which coincidentally turned out to be her profession. Then he mentioned that he hates products of a particular company, which turns out to be the very same company she works for! I don't think he realized this, but it kind of hit me in an odd way. I know your profession isn't your life, but it does form a very large part of your day-to-day existence, right. In such a situation, how can you truly admire a person if you don't respect their profession?! Imagine talking to your partner about his/her day at work while in your head you detest the amount of money he/she makes because of their stupid degree or because you think the work they do is not at all significant! Is that okay, or are my ideas a little too idealistic for the real world?! :-)

[Thought 5]

This one has been bothering me for a few days now. I was playing chess with this person; and let me tell you, it is not a game I am very good at, simply because I have probably played it six times my entire life. Anyway, so I lost the two games I played with him and while he was teaching me what I did wrong, he told me he had understood "my game" in the first few moves I made. Two things he said - One, I am always waiting for the opponent to make their move and then trying to defend instead of attacking first. And sometimes in a game, offense is the best defense. Second, I never make my opponent think about what I am trying to do. Now I don't want to swear by this guy's analysis of my game-playing skills, but what he said somehow made me wonder about whether I incorporate the same strategies in life too? If yes, then there are some drastic changes I need to make.. I have always loved this quote by Theodore Roosevelt - "It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he's in the arena, at best he wins,and at worst he loses, but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly." Am I this Man in the Arena...?

When a lonely bird walked the sands of (what is now) Wyoming, 125 million years ago, he did not know that his seemingly insignificant parakeet-like foot prints would one day be an exhibit in one of the largest museums of natural history in the world; and people would be staring at the piece of metamorphosed rock he once walked on, enclosed in a glass box, with confused amazement. The foot-long bird was probably only trying to understand how to be strong enough to survive in a world of dinosaurs.

Jupiter is up there in the Solar System with his 63 (source: Siri) / 64 (source: Wiki) / 66 (source: astronomer in Cal Academy of Sciences) moons, trying to make sure they all exist as one happy family. Little does he know that every day actual living people on a planet called Earth, not too far away from where he is, are looking at him through some ancient asteroid-like telescope, amazed at the fact that they can see not one, but four of his moons at the same time!

The point being - the world is an unfathomable, highly-randomized, yet probabilistic experiment which we mortals think is controlled, but no one has been able to provide evidence to that effect yet. In a place of such realities which we cannot even perceive, who is to say where the tiny experiments we run on a day-to-day basis will take us?

Ten years down the line, I could own a famous patisserie/cafe in downtown Manhattan..
I could also have my own travel show on Discovery, where I get paid to travel where I want and take a thousand pictures a day..
One day, some publishing guy could read this blog and think that I am decently talented enough to write a book that is NOT about a conservative girl from a small town in India, who learns the ways of the world in the big bad city (which seems to be a recurring theme among first-time female Indian authors)..
Or maybe one day I could finally get to do research on the psychological complexities of the brain which make people do what they do and behave the way they behave..
And finally, I could get to give a talk at a TED conference...

On a day that is singularly significant because it's my birthday, who is stopping me from wishing for one of these wishes to come true, as I blow the candles on my cake?

The world is highly randomized, after all.....and I aced my Design of Experiments course... :):)

Happy Birthday to Me !! :)

The Tale of the Juju

It all started when my cousin told me about ten years ago about how wishing on a sardarji brings you good luck. We were sitting in the Mumbai local train, when she saw a sardarji uncle enter the train with his family- she instantly turned to me with her index and middle finger interlocked and in all the seriousness of a sixteen year old, asked me to tap on her head thrice and "release" the lock! Were turbaned, paratha-eating, big-hearted Punjabi gentlemen around when the east-Africans invented this "sacred ritual" while dancing around a holy pyre in the wee hours of a full moon night chanting "Obala obala....!!" Who knows! But for my sister, this was the best and only form of juju she knew!

I, as it turns out, am an even bigger juju-believing junkie than she is, because I took the story a step further. Don't laugh, because this is important. So, there is one really sweet-looking, small-built sardarji who always wears a red turban and lives somewhere close to where I stay in India. I saw him once, riding his cycle on a very busy intersection- I was returning home from a particularly terrible practical exam and like an obedient sister, did the tap-your-head-thrice-and-release-the-lock ritual! By some stroke of luck, I got an A in that exam! And just like that, he became my most favorite juju-sardarji uncle in the whole world! I see him very rarely, mind you, which only adds to the angel-like charm I feel for him. Over the years, there have been many such objects and people which have been delegated to a similar divine stature - a yellow UCB T-shirt I got as a gift (which I wore once during my entire board exams!), my mom (if I argued with her before leaving the house, my day went bad!), blue Scorpios (yes, those Mahindra SUV's in India), shooting stars (I've only seen one till now, but it was so awesome that I almost forgot to wish!) and many other things! Friday, the 13th and wishing on fallen eyelashes were too common for me- what is special about discarded hair, right!

Before you dismiss me as a crazy fanatic, let me assure you that I do understand the science behind it - it is an extension of the placebo effect - a strong (even irrational) belief in something which causes the perception of a therapeutic reaction.The other aspect of it is that unlike a true scientific experiment, in such cases, one keeps record of only the hits and comfortably disregards the misses each time. But then again, who said I was trying to prove my theory using science? Trying to prove the juju is almost like dissing the juju in their face, and you never diss the juju!

Where do all these crazy beliefs come from? Why is it that we follow logic and reasoning to describe almost all phenomena around us, but still reserve some space in our minds for these superstitions? The fact is that we cannot use rationale to explain everything. The fact is that no matter how practical we may be, we still want to witness miracles every day...

Maybe my data will yield good results..
Maybe the interviewer will like my personality, even though I may not have the best experience..
Maybe there wasn't a camera at that last traffic light..
Maybe he will finally stop pretending that he doesn't care..

There is a very big divide between things we can and cannot control. Bad things do happen to good people. And sometimes, you can't help but want to be a little bad, but still not have to pay for it. And while the nice, grown-up thing to do is to learn to accept things we cannot change, it is never an easy thing to do! The kid in us wants to believe that maybe if we wish hard enough, we will get that toy. Sometimes we need that tiny push from within; sometimes we need to know that while all the odds may be against us, we still can hit the jackpot....if only we see that red sardarji on the cycle!

Find a penny, pick it up; and all day long, you'll have good luck! :)

4 AM Miracle - Not !! :P

2:42 AM : Wake up - realize I slept off in the middle of a movie again, with the lights on and my visa documents sprawled across the bed under me - Dammit - not again!

2:44 AM : Tinge of guilt - people like me are responsible for the coal reserves depleting.. Ufff...

2:45 AM : Might as well check on the visa dates while I'm awake

2:47 AM : Yayyy !!! Showing 16th - finally! Let's do this..

2:50 AM : Fill out details and hit Next - wait, where did Mumbai go?! Mumbai is not showing in the list of VFS centers !! Where did it go?!

2:51 AM : Re-enter info and now Mumbai showing but only 20th Dec available - what about the earlier dates!? - Kya ho raha hai yaar !!

2:55 AM : I should call the VFS people..

3:00 AM : On line with Mrs. Chattopadhyay on the VFS Hotline - No, I don't know if her name is Mrs. Chattopadhyay, but she sounds Bonglo-bhashi.. :P Oh what the hell.. I like giving nicknames to people.. You know Eddy right- No? That's my name for Edward Cullen - I think Eddy suits him better than Edward in any case.. :P

[Random Thought 1]

Whenever I am speaking to like a customer care person in India, I never know whether to converse in Hindi or English.. I mean, there is a moment when the person says "Hello?" and I am actually thinking - do I reply with a "Hello" in the English-English accent or the Hindi-English accent?! I know they know English, but it's this weird mentality that speaking Hindi might develop a feeling of comradeship with me and hence, maybe help me get my work done sooner! Weird, huh!

3:01 AM : I say "Hello!" with the Hindi-English accent finally.. Mrs. Chattopadhyay answers my questions, but that does not help a lot! Check VFS dates in front of her and now they show 15th open too- but no 16th and 19th! How did that happen?!

3:07 AM : Hang up the phone. Maybe I should write something.. Stare at blank screen for 10 minutes..

[Random Thought 2]

I wish I could concoct up random stories in the middle of the night- get inspiration from the rustling trees and the gushing winds and eerie moonlight and the soulful silences and allow my thoughts to flow miraculously through space and time and then, there's one magical moment where everything comes together and a story is born.. - 4 AM miracle or whatever - but nope, doesn't seem to be happening with me..

3:22 AM : Call up mom instead.. Crib about the stupid online system and how I should have chosen to go to Delhi instead !

[Random Thought 3]

I want to visit Delhi man - and hopefully see uncle-jis in monkey caps at weddings! :P 

3:32 AM : Check VFS - Now showing 15th, 19th and 20th, but no 16th - Seriously! 

3:35 AM : Stare at screen again - Okay, I'm going to give this a shot - the night is beautiful and I should write.. 

So a guy in a train - mid 30's, hot (of course!), staring out of the window, looks like the type of person who knows his destination but just for today, does not want to do the expected.. Towns swooshing by - Mellow Valley, Hicksville, Cripple Creek.. Train pulls into Reddick finally and slows down - guy contemplates getting down at the station..

[Random Thought 4]

I love the phrase "Delicious Ambiguity" - read it somewhere.. But has such a nice feel to it.. I should use that in my writing sometime..

3:45 AM : Nope, no thoughts after Reddick.. In any case, this is not a screenplay- I'm getting lost in the details! Forget it, this is not the night..

[Random Thought 5]

Remembered a conversation from a day ago where a friend told me that I was a serious person - Seriously?! I just called Edward, Eddy, - how can I be serious?! Just because I write about tanhayee and life and dreams and love and loss? That is the deep side of me, but I am fun-loving and random and crazy too..

3:52 AM : Need to be at work in 4 hours - going to be a long day - hopefully the bogie workload should level itself out with constant production, but does that make sense if we are storing sets instead? Do I need to add girder manpower to this? Should find out tomorrow..

3:56 AM : Christmas presents! I haven't bought those yet !! So much work to do in five days..

3:55 AM : Hungry, yaar! Feel like white choc mocha.. :(

3:56 AM : Dudeee, sleep !!

3:57 AM : Last try with VFS- anyway the center will close now, so no point trying until tomorrow!

3:58 AM : Nope, no 16th yet! Forget it, worst case- I'll take an appointment for the 22nd, after Gau's shaadi..

4:00 AM : Do I even post this crap I've been typing? Contemplate for a minute..

4:01 AM : Oh, what the hell - this could be my 4 AM non-miracle.. At least it shows I'm not serious all the time..

[Random Thought 5.1]

I am not a serious person! :P

4:07 AM : Edit and format - (I like my articles! :P) - and post!

4:10 AM : Laptop shut down, gudnite!

Breaking Dawn

Disclaimer: NO, this post has nothing to do with the Twilight movie- I saw it with my friends to make them happy and I think it is the most ridiculous movies of all time- two hours of unadulterated torture!

Real post begins now ---->

Time: 5:50 AM- Day 1 of Thanksgiving Break
You think it's ridiculous to be awake at this unearthly hour, especially when it's a break- yes, I do too. But this is one in a series of awkward nights I have been having since the past week..
Tonight I got up with multiple dreams- one about some material deliveries being screwed up on the production floor at work, one about saying good-bye to a friend who was leaving Davis for good and one about Thanksgiving two years ago amidst snow and Fall-colored maple leaves!
I left the light in my room on again - goodness, I'm dreading my PG&E bill this month!
I spent $300 on this IKEA bed - why can't I sleep !!

Anyway, no work today, so I get up, make myself a cup of white choc mocha and open my laptop.. Email checked, Facebook checked, blog updates by friends checked, NPR news checked.. Apparently, Sharad Pawar was slapped today by a Sikh guy today at some function in Delhi- it's all over the news and Facebook and the guy is being applauded by one and all. Agreed that someone like Mr. Pawar completely deserves being treated like this- he is one of the most corrupt officials the Indian government has ever seen. But is slapping him in public going to make him control the rising prices of agricultural produce in India? No. Is he going to feel guilty and confess all his crimes to the police? Definitely not. Harvinder Singh vented out his frustration, but the result of that is a Maharashtra bandh tomorrow- go figure! It, infact, takes all the attention away from the real issues that need to be tackled and gives these politicians reason to make a mountain out of a molehill..

Talking of mountains, this Kolaveri Di song is turning out to be quite a rage in the country- I'm amazed by the amount of jokes and caricatures that people have come up with already. To be honest, it is quite an addictive song- I can totally imagine it being a hit on drunken night-outs with college friends. The Indian audience is so unpredictable- on one day, the top favorite is a song with lyrics as beautiful as- "jo bhi main, kehna chahoon, barbaad kare alfaaz mere" and the next week, "white-u skin girl-u girl-u, girl-u heart-u black-u" is rocking the charts.. Click this link for a hilarious Kolaveri 101 run-down.. While we're on music, I have to say- I absolutely love Mohit Chauhan- I think he has the most soulful and romantic voices I've ever heard!

It's weird how our work influences all other aspects of our life too. I remember, when I was doing an internship with Price Chopper (it's a grocery store in upstate NY, like a fancier Walmart), I always called fruits and vegetables "produce" because that's how they were classified in the warehouse. I'm a scheduler now and I just realized that every time anyone says one week, I instantly think 5 days because that's what we use in our day-to-day calculations.. It's not a bad thing, of course.. I love the fact that some part of my brain is always thinking about projects at work and how to handle them etc.

The seasons are changing here so fast! There was hardly a Fall and it's Winter already. It is lightly raining outside and there are leaves all over the road- in shades of green, red and yellow- they look so beautiful! I love the holidays and the festivities associated with them- there are times when I don't like them as much, but I still love them for the most part. Diwali, Christmas and Thanksgiving are my favorites and I cannot even choose which one I like better! Festivals to me are about lights, gifts, good food, friends and family, traditions and togetherness.

I remember, last year, this time, I was in RIT preparing for my thesis defense! Time really flies! Yesterday, two of my friends "celebrated" their pre-wedding anniversary which means that they are getting married on this day, next year! On that note, two of my best friends would be married by this time next month! Time is flying at the speed of light !! What would I be doing this time next year?!

I saw this image one day and it really formed an impression on my mind. I think I think too much! :P I should stop thinking and start doing. These intermittent sleepless nights have forced me to really outline the things I am doing wrong in life and what I need to change. I think I have come up with a few contenders and have taken up two projects which I hope will help me better the current situation. Let's see how they go..

Okay, so I know I just said I'm not going to think too much anymore- but one last thought- I was talking to a friend about loneliness the other day- this girl has the most amazing lifestyle ever- a great job that she loves, a very active social life, the opportunity to pursue her passions, friends, interests that keep her motivated, financial stability- nothing terribly wrong on the face of it- and still she told me that she leads a very lonely life. Is it possible to have people around you who care about you and still feel lonely? If loneliness is a state of mind, then it probably never goes away, regardless of where you are. People compare their lives in India and the US and say that the lifestyle in the US is very lonely. But if you're staying away from your family in India, isn't that the same as living 3000 miles away, at least on a day-to-day basis? Yes, you'd be in the same time and geographical zone which does make communication a lot easier, but maybe it would still be a lonely existence...

Ohh I just realized today is Thanksgiving- maybe I should sign-off with a few things I am thankful for, in the spirit of the season..

For one, I am thankful for the people in my life currently- believe me, I know what being lonely is, and it is not fun. And I have come a long way from that. So yes, as I always say, people matter and I am thankful for the ones in my life.
I am thankful for great bosses- no, my boss doesn't know I blog, but again, I have had my share of bad bosses and so I am genuinely thankful for being blessed with a brilliant one this time around!
I am thankful for change, when it is needed. And I am thankful for things staying the same when we seek comfort in the familiar.
And I am thankful for Mohit Chauhan.. :):)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! :)

I...

...want to feel pure adrenaline!
...want to jump off a plane at 15,000 feet and experience free falling to the earth!
...want to see a shooting star!
...want to really, really, really laugh!
...want to really, really, really cry!
...want to tell someone my crazy life ambitions!
...want to fulfill one of my crazy life ambitions!
..want to find something that I love so much, it even keeps me awake at night! Somehow Anu's words have never stop ringing in my mind for seven years now!
...want to go back to kick-boxing!
...want to take a wrong turn somewhere and discover a completely new, untouched, pristine land!
...want to get back my 4 AM friend!
...want to stop putting on a brave and smiley face all the time! I remember this famous line in a musical- flowers wilt, apples rot, thieves get rich and saints get shot and God don't answer all our prayers a lot.. :P Hell, that's true and I know life goes on, but that doesn't mean I cannot sulk about it! :P
...want to use a lot of swear words.. :P I know that's not me, but I still want to do it.. :P
...want life to imitate a Hindi film!
...want to believe that keeping the faith works..
..want to learn how to live alone- 3 years with roommates and I've seriously forgotten how to enjoy my own company!
...want to read a book in one entire sitting!
...want to live a day without a cellphone!
...want to break eggs or throw oranges or yell real loud or punch someone real hard!
...want to go to London!
...want to feel the goosebumps on my skin just before a performance on stage! It's been over a year!
...want to lie down under the sky and watch the stars (maybe I'll do that tonight.. :))
...want to work on a lathe or milling machine!
...want to go into a bubble- nothing else exists!
...want to feel total control!
...want to work super-hard!
...want to see a miracle happen!
...want to eat fondue!
...want to land up at the airport and take a flight to a random place!
...want someone to believe in me!
...want a pet cat!
...want to make plans!
...want to feel inspired!
...
...
...
...

Stromboli

Disclaimer: This post is named Stromboli because it's lunch time and I'm hungry and I am craving Stromboli.. This post is not even remotely related to food. This post is not about anything actually. I've just been having a very confused past few days and I'm trying to string my thoughts together because I've always been better at writing than speaking.. Having said that, my thoughts are so tangled right now that I don't think even writing them down point-wise is really going to help me- but it's my blog, so what the hell- I'm still going to give it a shot.. I apologize in advance for the random post- something more concrete in a few days- I promise.. :)


[Thought 1]

Have you ever felt like there is so much to do in life and so little time? Like not in terms of long-term, well-defined goals per se, but just things you want to do. I read blogs of random people at times, and some of them are very open about what their dreams are- some want to learn French, some want to reach the base camp of the Himalayas, some want to sky-dive or write a book or open a start-up venture.. I have such goals too, but it's just that I'm not very vocal about them. But one thing I've always wondered is- it's very easy, no let's rephrase that- it's easier to write or define things you want to accomplish at certain stages of your life. But very few actually follow them through and reach a stage where they can successfully strike them off their list. What distinguishes these people from the rest, who just make a list and store it in a keepsake box and then open it a few years down the line and lament about how time has flown by..? Is it mere talent? Nah, can't be that simple- Talent is useful in terms of achieving your full-blown life goals in your profession or family or social life. But in most cases, these goals take up so much of your time and energy that the other less-significant, personal, yet important items get sidetracked. I think most of it is about motivation- the will to practice and persist until you succeed. But then again, motivation can be internal or external- for some people, their inner fire is so strong that no amount of resistance can stop them. Others need people to push them. Like in the case of writing- as G correctly pointed out- it's easier to write when you have interesting people around you to talk with because a lot of these conversations actually generate ideas.. Again, with internal motivation- it stems from how the society around you has been- have you always been pushed to give everything a shot without fearing failure or have you always been asked to test the waters before jumping? In the case of external motivation, it's all about being at the right place at the right time.. I can go on about this, but the idea is that a full-blown FMEA can be done on what distinguishes the achievers from the regulars. But in all it's veracity (;)), it is also nearly impossible to develop a set model for these kind of habitual achievers. This whole concept scares me because of the uncertainty associated with it. How many items am I going to be able to cross off my list? What if the mundane concerns of day-to-day life completely take over these crazy ambitions?


[Thought 2]

Choices. Since the time philosophy was invented, pseudo-smart and consciously verbose people have professed about how the choices we make define the path of our lives. The thing about choices is that sometimes the right thing to do can be very different from what you want to do. Like you have two paths to choose from- A and B. A is the path of least resistance- logical, safe, more than 40% chance of success, possibility of pleasing more than 60% people. Those are good odds. But A is just blah- it's not what you want from your life, it doesn't excite you, you know that a small part of your brain would probably regret it always. B on the other hand is how you have always wanted it to be- you know that if this works, then it's a jackpot- but there is no way of knowing if it will work or not. And sometimes, time is not on your side. What do you do? Still give B a shot? Or go with A and then try to convince yourself to find the excitement and inspiration in it? Maybe things take a turn and you realize eventually that A was the right thing to do after all. But it's a gamble.. Okay, I'm not battling with such dramatic issues in life, but every decision you take is a miniature version of this problem- A or B, safe or risky, normal or exciting? Stupid philosophers wasted time in writing those crappy quotes- thoda time solution ko define karne mein invest karte toh the world would be an easier place.. :P


[Thought 3]

So I was thinking about the weirdest quotes from Hindi movies that I remember and somehow the following one from Maine Pyaar Kiya always is the first one to pop up- This was after Mohnish Behl sees Salman Khan and Bhagyashree in his party together- so imagine the scene- All three are drenched in rain (can't remember why it was raining, actually maybe they're just sweating..), Mohnish is angry- I think he was trying to lootofy the izzat of Bhagyashree and of course, Sallu bhai is the knight in shining armor.. So woman is crying in a corner, hero is wild with fury and villain is insulted but also glad to have proven a point.. The dialogue goes- "Prem, ek ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi ban sakte. Yeh toh parda hai parda.. Kapkapati raaton mein dhadakte hue dilon ki tadapti hui aag ko bujhane ka...chupaane ka..

Waah waah- kya dialogue hai! Don't ask me why I remember it so well though- I wish I knew! :P

Another dialogue that is my all time favorite is from Kal Ho Na Ho- "Hasna hai toh Rohit, rona hai toh Rohit, magar pyaar karna hai toh kisi aur se.. It's not going to work anymore, Naina.." Hmmm the plight of being stuck in the "friend" zone... :P

[Thought 4]

Have you ever met a person who has challenged you more than anyone ever has? So you meet them and get to know them and every time, there is a new facet to their personality that amazes you and frustrates you at the same time- you wish you could be like them, but you also know that you could never be like them.. I can't spell out the feeling correctly, but I hope you get the point.. I have always been very good at understanding people but characters like these are so difficult to sort out..

[Thought 5]

I really feel like doing something impulsive. It's been so long since I've just done something in the moment, just because I felt like it !! :( Maybe I should ask G to get that liquid nitrogen from his lab.. :P

[Thought 6]

Sometimes I wish I could behave or act like a typical girl, just for a few hours- I don't know exactly what that means, but that's why it's a random thought.. :P


I don't exactly feel sorted right now, but can I please have some Stromboli?

48 minutes..

So I just put laundry in the dryer and have nothing to do for forty-eight minutes. I was just talking to a friend yesterday about how I tend to think through every post I write on my blog- it is usually an activity that spans a couple of days. So just as a fun exercise, I have decided to get as random as is possible for me, and pen down whatever crosses my mind until my laundry gets done!

Okay, that intro just took me two minutes, so forty-six minutes on the clock it is..

1. The title of this post reminds me of the "Sattar minute" monologue from Chak De... :) But Adtaalees doesn't sound as cool as Sattar !! :P
2. I love cricket!
3. I wish I could use fancy-shmancy words while blogging.. :P Or for that matter, write about fancy-shmancy concepts/ ideas..
4. I hate moving- even if it is to a place that is two miles away. More than the effort of packing and unpacking- it is the mental exercise involved in leaving one place you are familiar with and getting used to a completely new environment. This is the ninth apartment I will be living in, in the three years I have been in the US but I'm still not used to it!
5. Talking about moving- I think I've spoken about moving wayyy too much on this blog! :P But whatever...it's been an integral part of my life for so many days now!
6. Setting up a new place is also freakishly expensive man- I've spent 800 bucks in the past ten days already! Never shopped so much since Thanksgiving 2008, when I went to India for the first time..
7. I hope I can get my new apartment to be as nice as I have imagined it to be.. I am a nester at heart- that's such an integral part of me.. But abhi tak woh feeling hi nahi aa rahi..
8. One thing is for sure- I am going to miss my current roomies like crazy- I'll still meet them and hang out with them everyday of course, but it's going to be weird to not be living with them! For the record- they have been the best of the fourteen roommates I have had in three years! Honest to God!
9. Have you ever felt like thinking, speaking and writing in Hindi (or your most comfortable language) the whole day? I wish I could type this whole post in Hindi today.. :)
10. I sometimes wonder which place to call my own- I was born in Pune, spent five years in Mumbai, stayed for 9 years after that in Qatar, remaining 9 years after that in Pune again and now three years in the US. People always have so many stories to tell of their childhood in some Indian city- the primary school life, taking those NTS scholarship exams, teachers, sports meets, annual day functions, playing after school etc etc.. I have those too, but no one can identify with them because the environment was so different in Doha.. I loved my days in Qatar, but I also wish I could get a chance to experience proper school life in Pune or Mumbai..
11. I saw Hello Panda biscuits the other day at a frozen yogurt shop and it brought back awesome memories of life in MES Indian School though.. Maybe I like it that I have a different set of experiences than most people... :):)
12. According to me, the whole "let's-just-be-friends" concept is the most f**ked up statement in the whole world. There should be a limit on the number of times someone can apply it in their life..
13. Thankfully, I do not say the above from personal experience.. :P But I still think it holds true..
14. The next person who tells me that guys are uncomplicated is going to get one big rapta from me.. Guys are extremely confused people (just like anyone else..) They just know how to put on a good show of confidence! :P
15. Fourteen minutes to go.. :)
16. Thought for the day- "So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. No body said it'd be easy, they just promised that it would be worth it. Eventually feels a lot better than actually.." This is the reason I love Grey's Anatomy.. :)
17. September 9, 2010- It's funny how some days change your life forever.. I think sometimes we need to be pushed into the deep side of the pool to learn how to swim..
18. Koi engineers (specifically mechanical engineers) pe kabhi movie kyun nahi banata-- I know we cannot develop fancy protein sequences for viruses or wear fancy suits and sign controversial multi-billion contracts or have eccentric lives like artists or write code that can destroy the country's security system, but designing and building machinery can be cool too !!!
19. In the same vein, koi ladkiyon pe DCH ya ZNMD type movies kyun nahi banata! Do you think girls cannot take an adventurous road trip together without being bitchy or shopping the whole time!? That's so cliched! Step up to the challenge, film-makers!
20. I think surprise birthdays are super-awesome- even the ones that happen seven months after your actual birthday! :)
21. I miss the east coast on some days- not Rochester specifically- but I miss Gau-Soumya, RIT and New York City !!!
22. Funny how the smallest of things trigger memories of forgotten events and people- case in point- Honey Bunches of Oats Strawberry Flavor! :P Maybe someone should create a Pensieve where we can store thoughts that never need to be thought of again.. :)
23. I need to find an escape-spot in Davis- a place I can connect with and where I can go when I want to be away from the chehel-pehel of everyday life and just think, or maybe not-think and just be.. :)
24. I want to get a cat!
25. Does married life really change people- I hope not! :(
26. Guys should not talk (excessively) about girls (any girl, even actresses) being beautiful/ hot/ cute in front of other girls- that's just rude! :P I think Hum Aapke Hain Kaun mein aisa dialogue tha! It's true though.. :)
27. I love white chocolate mocha!
28. The mind is such a random instrument.. Never thought it could cross so many dimensions in forty-six minutes!

Alrighty- laundry is done. Now time to post and unpack... :)

Learning to love lemonade and piles of shit..

You know that saying about when you think life has thrown a big pile of shit at you, look at others' pile and you'll want yours back? And you know that other saying about when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade? Well, the last week has been a gigantic lesson in how terrible I have been in following these two commandments!

You see- sometimes we get so blinded by what is happening in our life and how out of control it is getting, that we forget to notice the good stuff around us. Like one of my pregnant friends was telling me about how long she took to realize she was actually pregnant! After the initial joy and surprise had weaned off, the only thing she could think about was how dramatically her life was going to change and how fat and hormonal she was getting and how the baby was going to take over her whole life...blah blah. Until, (now this is very Bollywood), the baby kicked one day! And that is when the reality of it all hit her- she has a baby, her own baby !! How awesomely insane was that (for her :P)! So you see, sometimes you need a kick to realize that while some things may not be exactly what you want, there is a purpose in their coming into your life. And maybe you just need to wait to realize what that is. And maybe someday, after that purpose has been achieved, you may actually get the thing you have wanted all along..

So without divulging too much information- let me just give you a gist of what happened. So while I am an essentially positive person, I go into this cocoon at times where I think that the worst stuff in the world is happening to me and only good things happen to everyone else- I'm sure it happens to a lot of us! So last week, I met two people who have had to deal with more crap than me and who were still so happy and positive and full of love! I'm sure they've had their moments of despair, but they also snapped out of it much stronger- and faster- than me. That was, in essence, the kick in my butt. :P Isn't it oddly unsettling, how knowing of another person's difficulties can make you feel better- quite disturbing actually! But to clarify- it's not that I was happy to know what had happened to those people. I just made me feel that I was not alone in this. And I think that is what we all need- to know that we haven't been singled out.

The only downside of kicks like these are that the effect of the jhatka only lasts a few minutes or days at most. After that, keeping yourself motivated and focused on the good stuff is all up to you. And it is definitely not easy- hell, the boring mundanities in life were designed to bring your spirit down. But then, that is where the challenge lies. You need to keep going back to that inspirational moment, and reliving it to remind yourself that all what is happening is good. I cannot tell you how many times I have written positive stuff like this on my blog, just so that I can inspire myself whenever I read it. This sine wave of emotions can get frustrating at times- the hope can feel fake and one tends to gravitate towards the negative because it feels more comforting and real. But I think the best way out of it is to think about what is going to help you move forward in life- the despair or the belief in good? And once you have identified that, just hang on to it and do not stop- EVER.

So, for possibly the ten-thousandth time in my life- I have made a list of fifteen goals I want to accomplish by the end of this year- some are long-term while others are short-term, so as not to overwhelm me too much! I do have a tendency to give up when things start getting a little difficult, which is why I have actually written this down on my blog this time. So that whenever I read this, I am reminded that I should really really really work towards checking them all off my list by December 2011 !!

May the force be with me! :D

When book covers lie..

I was reading the blog of a friend recently who I have known for about three years now- we are not exactly close, but I cannot call him just an acquaintance either. I have always had the impression that he is a happy-go-lucky kinda guy, whose predominant thoughts are similar to most guys in their 20's- sports, beer, girls, food, cars, Wii games and porn- I know that sounds very judgmental, but I am 95% it's true! :P So anyway, I came across his blog and expected posts of a similar nature. What surprised me was that he had in fact written about a lot of intense topics- thoughts of a very introspective nature, which he had obviously given a lot of thought and emotion to. Reading those posts made me realize how wrong I was in forming an opinion about him. If I hadn't read his blog, I would have probably never known he was even capable of thinking so deeply about life and its associated aspects. What surprised me even more is that he never showed this side of him to most people- I bet most of his friends don't even know he writes a blog.

Are a lot of us like this? Maybe on a very unconscious level, we end up adapting our external persona to the people around us, so that they would like us and want to be with us. Maybe man's innate need for social acceptance causes him to be less than true to his own nature. For example, you may have some strong views on religion, love, moral issues- topics that tend to be a little off-beat and controversial in some cases. If you know that your friend circle is not going to be receptive to your views, then you refrain from bringing up a discussion on it. Instead, you prefer talking about Sachin Tendulkar, the earthquake in Japan or Katrina Kaif's latest movie- topics that you know would make you seem "normal". :P That could be one of the reasons blogging or writing is so therapeutic- we have control over who reads what we write and hence, it eliminates the need to develop this facade around us. Of course, some of us are lucky enough to meet at least a few people in our life who we can be our honest, true self with- no judgment made, no opinions formed, no advice given unless asked for.

This is probably why we one of the earliest lessons we are taught in life are to never judge a book by its cover- or in this case, never judge a book until you have read it half-way through- you never know what surprises are going to spring up! Like in this case, I definitely have a new-found respect for this guy after reading his blog. Wouldn't life be so much simpler if human nature wasn't so complicated...

P.S.- Maybe just out of curiosity, I should ask some of my friends what they think of me after reading my blog- does it serve as an extension of who I portray myself to be externally, or does it reveal a completely different aspect of me too? Should be interesting to know if my blog surprises people.. :) Thoughts of readers are welcome..

Humbled!

"Dear Suparna,

Congratulations! It has been an honor working with you on this project. Thank you for all your hard work and helping me to look smarter than I really am. I admire your skill, perseverance and unending patience with this absent-minded professor. I hope you found the experience worthwhile and I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Welcome to the world of scholars!

Cheers, Jim"

When your thesis advisor gives you a gift and a card with the above message at the end of your defense, it is the most humbling feeling in the whole wide world! Here is an amazing advisor and guide, with years of experience, and who is absolutely brilliant in his field and he tells me that I made him look smart! I wanted to write a long, detailed post capturing what I went through in those 40 minutes and the feeling after. But I don't think I can ever have words to describe it!

Two days to D-Day

This is going to be a short one, since I have very limited time for distractions right now!

So my thesis defense is in two days- on December 2, 2010. I know there are hundreds of Masters students who defend their thesis every year, but it is always special and nerve-wrecking when you know it is going to be yours!

I get weird jolts every morning as I countdown to the D-Day and I feel optimistic on one hand, that all my hard work of the past 15 months is going to pay off. But on the other hand, there is also some amount of nervous energy, which I guess is natural! I have the first draft of the written document in my hand- 100 pages that basically encapsulate all the work I have done! Actually, I should change that- all the good work I have done. No one writes about their failed experiments and failed ideas..and believe me, there were so many of those! But then, as my professor says- that is research, and only you know what you took away from all those failures!

For now, I just hope everything goes fine on Thursday... It is one hour that I want to go by as peacefully as possible.. :)

Wish me luck, dear readers! :)

Notes

1. Exactly a month from today, I will be in India !!! I cannot wait! I know I am luckier than most students because I have got the chance to go to India every Christmas since I arrived in the US- but this time's trip is more valued because for the first time, I have a crazy, maddening urge to see my parents. I saw my mom six months ago during her trip here, but I think I have never missed her more. So much has happened in the past two months and I think we as a family, have been trying to get over things just through conversations over the telephone. I really really need to feel my parents' physical presence and support around me.
2. Point 1 brings me to my second point- It's funny how you realize the value of every friend and family member when times get a little difficult. In the past two months, I have been at my communicative best with my friends, some of whom I haven't spoken to in over 3 years- got in touch with so many of them, and it sure feels good! I intend to keep it that way.. :)
3. I have also realized how some people can get so superficial- people you thought you could bank on at any time of day. This has been one of my biggest lessons since coming to the US, but I think this warrants a separate post.
4. Three weeks from today, I will be done with my thesis defense! D-O-N-E !!! Yesterday, my thesis advisor asked me how it felt. I told him I couldn't believe it was over! O-V-E-R !! Work that have been doing since March 2009 is finally coming to an end!
5. Before I rejoice over point 4, one of the biggest things I need to do in the next three weeks is write my document and funnily enough, this time writing isn't coming easily to me! I think I should seriously consider Gauri's advice of treating it like an 8 hour job and just getting it done with, once and for all!
6. Even though things didn't go as planned on some fronts of my life recently, there are still so many other things that have gone way better than I thought they would. I am a person who believes in signs and if the signs of the past few weeks are anything to go by- then I am grateful and thankful to God. I know things are changing for the better! I can feel it. Amen.
7. I also believe in jinxes- which is why I hate people telling me that I am lucky or constantly talking about any minor successes or good things that come my way! It scares me. I know it is paranoia, but I have had some experiences which have made me believe in these things.
8. I am so tired of living alone- I think that has made the past few months a lot worse than they should have been. I cannot wait to live with some people and have a social life again... :P
9. Another thing that is funny is how you realize so many things about yourself in times of adversity. Even things that were glaringly obvious in the past, but you never chose to pay attention to them. I seriously think that if we really believe in this, getting over difficult times becomes a lot easier.
10. I have been off Facebook for three weeks now- for multiple reasons which I do not wish to get into. But I don't miss it now at all! I did have withdrawal symptoms for the initial few days (sigh!), but now I am happy to be away from all social networking stuff! It gives me more time to do productive things. I think I'll be back though, just because it's a good way to keep in touch with some school friends living in other countries- maybe after 3-4 months.

Back to some thesis writing now.. :)

Boredom x Time = A Tag !!

It's been one of those long, excruciatingly boring weeks with nothing much to do except go to school at 9 in the morning and return at 4 in the evening and try to fill the time in between with a bit of thesis work and other random things. The weather's been a major contributing factor to the inertia- that's probably one of the worst things about Rochester- it's unpredictable weather! I mean, it's summer for God's sake, it's not supposed to rain the whole day !!! :P

So anyway, lack of creative insights has forced me to resort to completing one of my long-overdue tags. It's those "My 25" things doing the rounds of Facebook, where you're supposed to write 25 random things about yourself. My friend had tagged me a long time ago, but I was a little wary about firstly, writing things about myself since I usually am not so self-observant, and secondly, writing personal things on Facebook- being a public forum and all.. (Our Career Services people scared me in the first quarter by telling me a lot of employers use FB accounts to find out more about their prospective employees and I know I have a private FB account, but nonetheless...) I've attempted a similar tag a while ago, so I'm going to try and not repeat the things I mentioned there. So, here I go with twenty-five random things about myself. Read on if you're as bored as I am-

1) I love travelling by trains, they're more fun than air or road travel.

2) I get put off by smokers. I remember when I was in COEP, Gauri and I used to yell at Akshay and Pranjal whenever they went to one of their "tapris".. I love them both otherwise, but the moment they start smoking, I somehow don't want to be around them.

3) I am pretty non-judgmental about people otherwise, and don't discriminate against anyone- regardless of actions, beliefs, ethnicity. I'm a very strong believer in the "to each his own" philosophy.

4) One of the things I love about the US is the fact that I can travel a lot, something I missed out on in India. If I had the money, I would travel to a new place every weekend!

5) I used to suck at cooking until a few months ago, used to be a nervous wreck every time I was in the kitchen! But I am turning out to be a pretty good cook off late. I try out loads of new stuff and fortunately, most of it comes out well! A major source of my recipes is cooking blogs and my mom!

6) I am not too fond of chocolate and I hate bhindi !! (Yeah, gasp all you want; I'm used to it !! :P) I absolutely delightfully love vanilla icecream though! I could eat it everyday! Same goes with gobi manchurian and bhel puri !! :)

7) I hate my hair. I wish I could change it. I am always wary of going to new hair salons because people invariably give the most shocking reactions when they see my hair. Why don't they realize that I can see them gasp?! :P Oh and when I was in school, I was called "chidya ka ghonsla"..

8) I miss my life in Doha- it was a conservative place but I had the best time of my life there..

9) Writing is also one of the things closest to my heart. I feel very restless when something I've written isn't up to my expectations. The part I loved the most in those English exams in school was the essay writing section- so what if I have to write on "A Day on the Railway Station..." !!

10) I am a pretty talkative person when I have the right company. Otherwise I can be the most silent person; you won't even notice I am there..

11) My ideal outings with friends is going someplace and having interesting conversations about randon things under the sun. Or else, doing silly things like playing Dumb-C, Uno, etc and laughing like crazy! I am not at all a big fan of friends getting together only to drink and act stupid all night long!

12) I haven't had a really intense and intelligent conversation in a really long time! I wish Anup was in the US..

13) I am not a lot into any sports, though I do like watching cricket and tennis. I felt really really really bad when India lost the 2003 World Cup though. I think I wrote one of my most emotional articles then.

14) I love learning new languages. Though German will always remain closest to my heart. I am desperately waiting to visit Germany some day and do an advanced German language course.

15) I think I'm becoming more and more like my mom nowadays.. Which is a good and bad thing..

16) I take friendship very seriously. I have a few friends and I may not call or email them every week, but I can do anything for them! I despise people who sweet-talk with everyone, pretending to be their dearest friends but turn away when their friends need them the most.

17) I am not much of a phone person. I prefer communicating face-to-face or through email or IM. I go blank when I have to "chat" with people on the phone..

18) 2004 was probably the craziest year of my life. I did a lot of things that year which I am proud of and which I regret even today.

19) I am generally a very optimistic person. I tend to look at the pluses more than the minuses. That is probably why I could successfully get out of some of the crap I've faced in life.

20) I would love to dabble in film-making some day. My ideal job would actually be engineer by day and film-maker by night. I love the creative process of making films- right from conceptualization to scriptwriting to shooting. It's a perfect blend of writing, photography, languages, travelling- all the things I love!

21) Design of Experiments is probably the first engineering subject I love so much. If I could do a Ph.D in DOE, I would..

22) I hated thermodynamics when in COEP. I simply never understood it..

23) I love people with nice, full smiles that twinkle in their eyes.

24) I canot stand dirty kitchens and bathrooms.

25) I get bored of staying in the same place for too long. Which is why I wanted to move out of Pune for my engineering. I am already bored of Rochester though.. I wish I get a job where I have to travel a lot..

Anyone who hasn't done this and who needs some sort of motivation to update their blogs, consider yourself tagged !! :)

Back to the world of board games

I PLAYED SCRABBLE TODAY !!! AFTER YEARS !!! :):)

Well yes, the thought of having played Scrabble today, for real and not some animated computer version of it, makes me feel really really happy! I've never really been a fan of computer games- never really tried any of them except the occasional NFS or Counterstrike. I do have a lot of friends who are literally addicted to some of these games, willing to spend whole weekends killing the "enemy", collecting health and buying weapons. Though I don't have anything against these people (I try to remain unbiased! :P), I somehow never really got any of that adrenaline rush from playing them! I did always love board games though- like the good old Scrabble, Monopoly, even patte (though I'm not really good at any patte games :P)

But these smart ass computer guys (I've always hated them !! :P) always manage to come up with e-versions of games, and to attract players, they add all these special effects and sounds to them, making the whole thing look very chic and stylized. I know, because I keep getting updates on Orkut and FB about someone looking for "a purple poker chip" in Mafia Wars (duh !!) and scoring 76584 points in WordTwist !! And then there's this game called Crazy Taxi and Texas Hold 'em Poker (or somesuchthing !! :P) Now imagine- if you're going to keep people busy with racing taxis around the place, where is there time to even have a conversation, leave alone play a board game !!

Even I had completely forgotten the pleasure one can get from playing a real, real game, until I went for a friend's engagement last month. That is when I played Pictionary for the very first time !! (Yes, I'm equally surprised I hadn't played it before!) And I cannot even explain how much fun it was! I sucked at the first few words, but then came the big one- Obamania- and you may call it bragging but I did manage to pull that one off pretty well !! Of course, it helped that we had brilliant players- we didn't just split the word and draw each bit, but we actually built a story around each of them! Sample this- We gave this guy in the other team the word "penance" and he went on to show a guy who rapes a girl and then (coz he feels guilty about it) decides to leave the city and move to the khets of Punjab. While sowing seeds in the fields, he spots God standing right in the middle of the field. That is when he decides to sit under a tree and meditate for the rest of his life !! Well, the other team did guess the word eventually, but you can only imagine the hilarity of the situation! I really wish I had that notebook we drew all our words in- It's worth saving for the sake of posterity! I really wonder if our kids will know what drawing with an actual pen on a real page made of paper pulp is ! :P

Anyway, I was bored after a long day of thesising last week and that's when I spotted the box of Scrabble by my bedside. One of my friends had given it to me when she left Rochester last September, but I somehow never actually got around to playing it even once! This time though, I dragged PD to play with me (he's another computer game addict !! hmmmpppfff :P:P) And I cannot tell you how much fun it was! The first time around, we came up with the usual 3-4 letter words kike hat and cat, but the second time it was brilliant! We managed to build some pretty unusual words and so what if we tweaked the rules a bit too (He allowed me Rehab and I allowed him Prez!) The sheer joy of being away from the glaring computer screen and playing something for real was brilliant! Scrabble is definitely going to remain on my list of favorites for a while! I am still in the process of persuading PD to give Pictionary a shot. And while I am at it, I plan to treat myself to a 4th of July gift- the original UNO card game !!! (Boy, I used to LOVE that game as a kid !!! :):))

And well, after we were done with the game, I was so happy that I actually clicked a snap of the board! :) Here's to more such evenings! :):)

Making sense of you

I was watching this film- "In her Shoes", a few days ago. (Yeah yeah, I know, Cameron Diaz looks hot. Can we move on now!? :-P) Anyway, there's this one scene where Rose (Toni Collette) and Simon (Mark Feuerstein) are dining at a sushi joint and Simon asks Rose about the things that make sense of her as a person. Things without which her life wouldn't be complete.

That dialogue set my mind thinking. How often have we thought about the things that help us make sense of our life?! They are such ingrained parts of our lives that actually listing them out requires some thought; it's not something that is spontaneous.

Anyway, when I decided to do it, what was interesting was- the stuff I came up with was not what I'm necessarily the best at. (Of course, this is assuming that there are things I'm the best at, which is well...not quite true! ;-)) Anyway, these are things I just love deeply, regardless of the fact that there are people in the world who're a lot better than me at it. Infact, it is this very fact that drives me to be better at them. Which is why, in essence, they help me make sense of me!

Ok, now even I don't know if I've been able to express what I want to say correctly, so I'm just going to move on to this "list" I've been talking about for way too long...

1) Writing: Which is why I have a blog in the first place, so obviously tops my list. Again, I know I'm not the best writer. I've read blogs of so many random people who're absolutely brilliant at putting thoughts to words, it makes me jealous at times. But at the same time, I know I do possess moderate talent in this area (Oh, the modesty! :-D) And so, I hate it when I don't do a good job of a writing assignment. Like, when I can't complete a blogpost the way I wanted to, or when I can't edit a friend's SOP well enough, or when I write an article for a mag and it doesn't get published. When I was in school, I used to get disappointed if I didn't win an essay writing competition. Or when I got a 5.5 in AWM in my GRE, it was the greatest day of my life coz even though I had friends who'd got better scores than me, I'd topped them in the writing section. (This post was written then.)

2) Photography: Again, I am decently good in this area. But it actually bothers me when someone comments on how silly a photograph clicked by me turned out to be (even if it's true). Or when my roommate is able to capture a better frame than me. Or when I can't do that photography workshop I've been waiting for, just because the stupid photographer relocated his studio !! :-P

3) Films: Not going to say much about this, except that I don't mean "films" in the typical frivolous fashion imagined by most. The connection goes way deep and making it all come together is an ongoing quest.

4) When I was in COEP, it was Fervor- our department's annual techfest. Now while this may seem a stupid choice, my classmates and their friends know how much this event meant to me. It there's one single thing I'm proud of, in my engineering life- it's this. And though this is not a lifelong association, it gives me an amazing sort of happiness knowing that Fervor saw it's best and worst days when I was a part of it.

I guess that's it. That completes my list. It's a good exercise to practice actually; could even work as a blogtag. Question though- wouldn't it be so much better if the work we did found a place in this list!? Or is it stupid to even expect someone to say that operations research helps them make sense of their life?! Or, maybe that's not such a bad idea after all..

PS: If anyone does attempt this, do let me know what you came up with.. Would be interesting to know...

So what's your aim in life ?!

I was talking to a friend yesterday about how the whole placement scenario works in engineering colleges. It's weird, but the one thing Dale (a COEP professor, I think that's enough said!) was bang-on-target about is that the reason students want to get into a good engineering college is to get a good job! Somehow the moment you come to know you've cleared your third year, the one fear that strikes the mind of every engineering student is- placements! Anyway been there, done that. So I completely understand and sympathize with them! So, I was reliving my interview experience when I suddenly remembered this seemingly simple, but brillianto question this guy from Cognizant asked me- "What is your aim in life?"

Now in interviews and SOPs, you make up your answers. And more often than not, they consist of phrases you pick up from the company/university website spiced with stuff like "cutting edge research", "pioneers in the field of blah blah", "leaders of tomorrow", "perfect opportunity to hone my technical expertise" and what not! Obviously, coz these people decide whether you get the job or the university admit. But while I was telling her all this, I realized that I haven't even bothered to give a thought to its real answer all these years! (And I thought, at 23 I'd know it all!)

I remember when I was in school in Doha, my mom had a teacher friend who's daughter was about 5-6 years elder to me. I must've been around 13 then. So this daughter, all bright and smart, apparently told her mom that one day she'd have a flashy office on like the hundredth floor of a glass building from where it'd seem like the whole world was at her feet! See, that's so Shah Rukh Khan-isque !! Same illuminating moment came in his life when he declared to his friend, standing on Marine Drive (I think) that one day he'd own the city! And he so does! Lol.. Well, I have no idea whether that bright and smarty-pants daughter got her hundredth floor office or not, but the point is- she had the "guts" to make a statement like that, when she was all of 20! And that is what oh-so-impressed my mom, who got all sentimental that day! Made me seem like a fool coz I hadn't made any such promises; I was still battling with World War I statistics!

Then, I remember there was this one time my mom, sister and I were driving home from someplace, I'm guessing a fancy dinner coz that's when we're at out chattiest best! And I told my mom that one day I'd have a production company and I'd name it after her coz I was so proud of the way she'd raised me !! Yeah well, first reaction to that was shudder- why would I launch a production company!? And that was followed by laughter, fortunately not the ROTFLMAO kind coz she was driving! She thought I was drunk on food or something, making crazy statements like that! So there, my first attempt went down the drain! Well what do you know, I'll still have that production company one day; only it won't be named after her! So her loss, not mine !! :-P

Anyway, so ever since that fiasco, I stopped making such claims. 12th Boards happened, engineering happened and now further studying will happen. And I still don't have the answer to that billion dollar question- "Where do you see yourself ten years from now?!" (By the way, shouldn't that question be reserved for film stars; at least they'll have interesting answers!)

So, with a hint of apprehension, I attempt to answer that question today. And since I truly believe that success is a journey, not a destination (taaliyan !!), instead of a definitive target, I shall be listing out things I plan to accomplish before I'm 27. Why 27? Coz I don't think I can plan as far as ten years, a five year plan seems like a good start. (On an entirely different note- in five years I shall be 27!? When is that quarter life crisis supposed to hit!? Does it kill!?)

1. Have a job that will hopefully be related to industrial engineering and will be something I really care about. Now question for all working people- is it possible to have a job you care about or is that just a myth?!
2. Become a professional photographer.
3. Complete Dream Project 1. What the project is about is a secret. You'll anyway know when it's complete.
4. Have a detailed plan ready for the production company. Let's start with the name..
5. I do measure success to some extent with material possessions. So I'd feel really glad if I'd own my own house and car by then. I'm guessing if I accomplish 1 by the time I'm 25, then this wouldn't be an impossible dream.
6. Visit Egypt, Greece, Europe (at least Germany and France), Nepal and Australia. That's one for each year. And implied here, would be doing all the stuff that's typical of each place like scuba diving at the Reefs in Australia. This is in keeping with the "do everything at least once in life" motto! Hopefully one of the above will be one of those budget trips with random strangers, as I mentioned here.
7. Learn to speak German fluently. And manageable French and Spanish.
8. Learn how to play football, ekdam properly!
9. Visit an Indian Air Force base and hopefully co-pilot one of the jets. This is coz I'm crazy about the IAF (and NOT because of the airforce pilots in crew cuts; that's sooo typical... :-P) And if I were two centimeters taller (and a lot fitter), I'd be an IAF officer today!
10. Stay unmarried. Yeah well, you'll know why that's important once you meet my mom !!

Phew! There...that's my list! I don't know how many of these I'm going to be able to accomplish in the stipulated time frame. We'll continue this five years from today..

The Big C

Well, no, I'm not referring to Cancer or Commitment though they are Big C's too! What I'm talking about is COMMUNICATION !!!

You know, I have more than 400 friends on Orkut. (Well if you've lived in two countries, gone to two schools, a junior college and a professional college, you end up knowing those many people! Anyway that's not the point here, so shush! :-P) And if seventy percent of these people have been in relationships (you know, the boy-girl-in-love types) that didn't work out, at least fifty percent of them feel they ended because they "didn't communicate at the right time". (How do I know this? I didn't conduct a survey; there's a section in the profile called "From your past relationships you learnt:". I know from that. See, Orkutting can be useful too! ;-))

There are reports of how the divorce rate in India, especially in metros, is increasing at alarming rates. Most couples blame it on miscommunication.

I was reading this article in India Today on teenage suicides. Apparently 16 teenagers commit suicide every day in India and 82% of them say they're under stress because their parents talk to them only about their marks and career, while they want to talk to parents about themselves.

Until a few years ago, I always thought that it isn't necessary to communicate your feelings to your friends and family. Since they've been such an important part of your life for so long, they'll understand what you feel. But the past few months have made me realize that this is far from true. It is often the people we're closest to, who need to know how much we care about them. And I'm not just including romantic relationships here; even our parents and friends come in this bracket.

All through my school and college, I've had so many friends, some who I thought would last a lifetime. But more often than not, we drifted apart in due course of time. And I often blamed my pals for what happened. It was always something they did or something they said that strained relations. Until I realized that since I was the common factor in all those disagreements, surely something would be wrong with me too!

My sister, though, is very good at this communication thing. Since she stays away from home, all the sms-es she sends my mom and me are laced with "Love you" and "Miss you" and what not. If we don't talk to her for more than 24 hours, she gets restless. And one thing she keeps telling us is that she doesn't want us to get used to living without her, ever! At face value, all this seems a tad too sentimental. I used to always think- What the hell, she's away from home to study. You can't afford to be so emotional about silly issues. But the fact is, she doesn't say this coz she is miserable without us. She's managing fine enough. But these are just ways to tell your people what they mean to you. And going by how much my mom loves those sms-es, I can safely vouch for it's success.

We people get so bogged down by the rigmarole of life that we often give our family last priority. And while I agree with the philosophy that "paisa hai toh jahan hai", we should not forget what we're losing out on, in the process. Which is where the second aspect comes into picture- communication at the right time! You know how these couples claim that one of the golden rules of a successful marriage is never to sleep over a fight. I think this is one practice everyone should follow. In fact, don't even wait for a fight. Prevention is better than cure here. And while I'm not saying that you should scoot off to send balloons/chocolates/gifts/flowers to your loved ones every single day, it always pays to take some time off over the weekend to call up or email your pals. Write crap, but write. Like a few days ago, a friend from the US sent me a silly email about why I should be thankful I got a reject from Georgia Tech as most people in Gatech are gay! Well don't ask me what that means, this guy is a little loony! (Sorry Soumya! :-)) But I was laughing for ten minutes after that! See how simple it was?!

So, all I'm saying is- It's important to not take your family and friends for granted. And while it may seem trivial to some, taking time out to involve your people in the happenings of your life really goes a long way in building trust and love in a relationship. If someone like me can learn to do it, it must be child's play for sure!

And since this has been a rather serious article, here's a joke to lighten the mood -

When God made the first Negro, what did he say?
Oh shit! Yeh toh jal gaya !! :-D:-D
(I don't know why, but I love this joke! Just the idea of God saying it is h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s, no offence to Black people, I love you guys! Go Obama !! :-D)

"Me" defined

If any of you have been pondering over one of the greater questions of life- "Who am I, exactly!?"- then you should read about this interesting concept called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.

Now, I am generally wary of these multiple-choice personality-assessment questionnaires, having attempted wide varieties of them in Pune Times (!!) and the ever popular Tickle! Tickle, in fact, even has these "Ph.D certified" tests that help you determine how many karma points you accumulated in the past year and how bright your aura is, whatever that means! :-P.. But I must admit, I was amazed at the accuracy of the MBTI test. In fact it was one of those aha! moments for me, coz what the test reveals is stuff that you've known all along, but have never been able to put in words so succinctly. Besides, they put it all so nicely, it makes you think you're the greatest thing on Earth since sliced bread !! I took the test twice, just to see how reliable the results are, and they were 60% similar both the times. So I guess, that speaks for itself.

Excerpts from my report -

"......when it comes to their own areas of expertise - and INTJs can have several - they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know..." (That makes me feel like Socrates, though I think there are miles to go before I reach this stage! ;-))

"....produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake"

"Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers." (Bull's eye, I admit!)

And this one takes the cake -

"Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations. This happens because many INTJs do not readily grasp social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness. "

"....the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship."

Anyway, true or not, apparently I share my personality type with Lance Armstrong and Richard Gere !!! Aur kya chahiye !! *stars in eyes*

Anyone interested can take the test here. And do let me know how bang-on-target your assessment turns out!

Random tag about random things

I've been seeing this tag do rounds of the blogosphere for quite a while now, where you have to list out ten random things about yourself or something like that! Anyway, the few posts I've been working on just aren't turning out right, so I thought I might as well attempt it... (As a side note, somehow all the tags I write are a result of boredom and incomplete posts !!)

Anyway, so here goes -

• I like reading the entire newspaper/magazine in one sitting and hate being disturbed while I'm reading. And we get two newspapers at home and subscribe to 5 magazines (JAM, Readers Digest, India Today, Good Housekeeping and Health!) My ideal sunday morning is sitting with the paper for one hour straight, with no telephone calls and other distractions. Really makes my day! Newspaper reading also is a major stress buster for me. Like if I'm getting nervous before an exam, the best thing to do is read the newspaper. Somehow calms me down.
• I'm very possessive about my books collection. It's not very exhaustive or anything, but I love each of my books to bits. I lend them only to people I totally trust.
• I'm a complete morning person. The only time I really enjoy staying up late is during a party or when I'm chatting with old friends on the Net. On most days, I'm up by 6 am and get very irritated even if I oversleep till 6:30-7. That's "late" for me !!
• I have a thing for registrations numbers of vehicles. The number plate is the first thing I look at when I see a vehicle (unless it's a Merc or an H3; that's when I ogle at the vehicle first and then look at it's number plate! ;-)) and it happens involuntarily. So I know the vehicle numbers of all my friends, relatives, people of my society and some random vehicles I've seen around in Aundh area. About 4 years ago, I saw an unknown guy drive my friend's Matiz- recognized it was his from the number plate obviously. He was studying in the UK then, so I told him about it and it turned out that his parents had sold it to someone else just a day back and hadn't told him about it yet !!
• I also have thing for remembering people's birthdays (without reminders on cellphones!) I even remember the birthdays of most of my schoolmates, though I haven't even spoken to some of them since we left school 7 years ago! Somehow can't get the dates out of my head !! :-)
• I hate clutter. I'm not much of a cleanliness freak a la Monica, though I do have an Annual Room-Cleaning session (I just had this year's session over the weekend, but more on that later) The point is- I don't mind an untidy room, but I don't like things strewn about the place. I'd rather have them stacked up in one corner until I find the time to clean it up.
• I own 3 pairs of shoes- my gym shoes, my floaters for college and a pair of sandals with Indian wear. I'm not too crazy about bags, jewellery, shopping and gossip too. Nor do I freak out at the sight of lizards, cockroaches and other unidentified flying and crawling objects. Therefore, I hate it if people generalize statements about "girls".
• I hate people who are cruel to animals. I'm vegetarian coz I saw a butcher cut meat once and I couldn't sleep for 2 nights after that! I don't mind it if people don't like animals, its a personal choice; but atleast don't hurt them. Infact there have been many occasions when I've lectured random kids on roads who think it's funny to throw stones at stray dogs and laugh about it with their pals!
• I have this weird desire to try everything once. And I mean it literally. This pertains to music, food, languages, skills, places... Like this one time, I saw an advert for coffee painting classes in the newspaper and I wanted to attend them. And I don't even know what coffee painting is !!
• One thing I really really want to do is scoot off on a budget trip to some godforsaken place with complete strangers! I hope that happens in the next two years...