From Summer to Fall..

You know the seasons are changing when the Starbucks lady stops asking you if you want your White Chocolate Mocha hot or iced..(the idea of iced WCM doesn't make sense in any case, but that's a different topic). Coffee Specials shift from Frapuccinos to Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Grocery store sales move from barbecue paraphernalia to Halloween decorations.

Nature follows a more gradual approach to ease us into the change. You may need a light jacket when you leave for work at 7 AM but you still get enough heat the rest of the day to let you believe it's still part-summer. The sun sets an hour early, but makes up for that by treating you to these brilliant hues of orange and red splashed across the sky so you can enjoy your drive back home. Trees shed their leaves but before they wither away, (if you're on the East Coast) you get to marvel at the most spectacular Fall colors you'll ever see.. There's a perfect balance in everything.. Always a yin to the yang..

Wouldn't it be nice if life was the same way? If everything was proportionate and justified? If the good came with the bad so that it didn't seem so impossible to bear.. There's something wrong in the design of the universe for sure. Right?

Or maybe we make it hard by adding our own variables to an already complex equation. Maybe we get too close to the expected outcome, not knowing how to accept any other alternative. Maybe things would be a lot simpler if we were all like Gautam Buddha- maintain a safe distance - from everyone and everything. No attachment = no pain. How simple can the equation get! Now if only someone deconstructed the "no attachment" part.. :P

As you get older, you tend to contemplate a lot on how you have lived your life- the decisions you made, the people you trusted, the paths you chose to follow. How did you land up where you are? Was it the most ethical and fair decision you could have made at that point?

What if you step back for a minute and think about the decisions you did NOT make, the people you did NOT trust and the paths you chose NOT to follow.. Would the story of your life have been any different? What exciting adventures did you miss out on? Or maybe you were saved from a destructive avalanche! Could it have gotten better or did you escape something worse? Or maybe life doesn't work that way- maybe all paths lead to the same unknown, elusive destination.. Maybe you eventually land up exactly where you're supposed to be- its just a question of choosing country roads where you get to enjoy the slow drive, or taking the express-way..

The seasons are changing for sure.. A whole summer has gone by- what have I missed..
A comeback post that has more questions than answers- that's not a good sign..

A Measuring Stick for Life?

I am a scheduler by profession. According to my boss, they founded our group in my company about seven years ago because they needed people who would be trained to look at the big picture, instead of always trying to temporarily work around issues as they came, which is what Operations tends to do habitually in a company of this size. So essentially, an important part of my job is to think of how what we do today, impacts our tomorrow. If I fire people today because I am over-staffed, will I need them three months later? If I work overtime this weekend, will we be out of work next week? Things like that.. And for problems we notice to be repeatable or significant in nature, we know the issue needs a much deeper analysis - for this we seek the help of the Industrial Engineer - which is what I am by training.

You know one of the main reasons I like IE - it is because, by principle, IE's are supposed to be the fix-it people- which is something I have always loved to be! IE's have tools for everything- to determine root cause of a problem, to predict and account for inherent risks to a process, to determine how things are supposed to be versus how they are, to eliminate non-value added activities in a process, even to study human behavior. They may not always be effective in the first go, but if applied correctly, can really help lay out all the pieces of the jigsaw.

If you think about it, the above skill-sets are exactly what is required to solve all of life's complexities!
Make a new friend? - okay, look at the big picture - is this relationship going to be a season pass, or is it a lifetime membership? Invest your resources accordingly.
Trust too often and too soon? - make an Ishikawa diagram of what is wrong with your own brain that makes you do that - fix the root cause, and your failure rate will drop.

I understand that mastering the above techniques to, what crazed psychologists call, "whole-hearted living", would essentially make us akin to God - but hell, what if we all had a few God-like qualities? Okay, if not a lifelong plan, even the ability to foresee the next one year would be appreciated by many a humans, don't you think?! Life's mysteries be damned! :P

Talking of psychologists - people doing research in psychology, every-day human behavior and interpretation, social work, happiness (yes! people do research in happiness too!) like to come up with verbiage for what they think gives people a "sense of fulfillment" in life. I've heard of words like connection, compassion, vulnerability, choice, courage, purpose, meaning etc etc. Well, it's 2.15 AM on a Friday morning and my head is swirling with a ragoût of unasked questions, unwanted answers, questionable actions and unanswerable reactions; and I can come up with only two things every human being seeks out in this lifetime -
1. To be seen, really seen.
2. To know they are not alone.

If only someone invested their time and research grants on figuring out tools, real concrete tools, that would help us do that instead of beating about the bush all the time. If only we didn't have to untangle the mess and pave the path by ourselves all the time...

When you are home..

What is it that makes a place, home?

Every year, I go to India in December- it is almost like a yearly ritual, like a pilgrimage I must complete. I enter the Bombay airport (which I still call Sahar International; I can never get around to calling it Chhatrapati Shivaji International Terminus.. :P) and always find myself smiling all through Immigration, Baggage Claim and Customs, because I see the inherent Indianness of all the people come to the fore- the usual cutting of lines to be the first in the queue or fighting for every square inch of space around the baggage carousel- it is not irritating or strange, it is just the way it is supposed to be. As I exit the airport, I scan the crowd for a pair of hands waving frantically to attract my attention- my dad who painstakingly tracks my flight all through the seventeen hour journey, and arrives at the airport half an hour before the plane is supposed to land- even though he knows that the formalities do end up taking more than an hour. We hug, he takes the trolley from my hand and makes ten calls to the rented car driver announcing my arrival and asking him to pick us up. It has been the exact same routine now, four years in a row. It would actually be strange if this were to not happen some year- because this, the very essence of this moment, is what I call home.

Somehow airports have a way of letting you know instantly whether you are welcome or not.. Knowing that you are returning to a place where there is someone waiting for you; knowing that your arrival brings a smile to someone's face - that is what makes a place, home

Moving away from Rochester was one of the most-needed and necessary decisions of my life. But regardless of everything, this was a place which taught me all there was to learn about myself and about people - it showed me the best and worst of situations and it also tolerated me through my own best and worst. Knowing that a place has seen you in your nicest, meanest, friendliest, angriest, happiest, saddest, proudest, weakest moments and still accepts you the way you are - still helps you discover the cafe with the best coffee, or the cutest bookstore, or yummiest pastries for those midnight cravings - that is what makes a place, home.

I think we are all on a quest to find our own home. To find the place or those people that make you feel as if you belong, as if you are wanted. But in the face of the unknown and uncertain, how do we know we have reached our destination? Is it truly a matter of chemistry - sometimes the missing pieces of the jigsaw just fit - and you keep going until you have completed the puzzle? Or is it a matter of trained acceptance - learning to make a place your home; learning to nest and see the beauty in imperfection?

How do you know you are home? When the wandering mind beckons and urges you to move on, how do you know that it is time to stop?

Growing up...

Like all mothers of the world, my mom has always been extremely protective about me, maybe a touch more than most moms actually.. Of course, when I was a teenager, I called it being over-bearing and interfering but growing up makes you realize that it was actually just her motherly need to shield me from all the bad things in the world. I do the same with my sister sometimes- she is only 4 years younger to me but every now and then, I feel the need to warn her about the dangers in the world. I even use the same dialogue my mom used on me- "learn from me, don't repeat the mistakes I made!" My retort to that always was the classic- "let me do what I want; let me make my own mistakes; how will I grow if I don't learn things the hard way?!" Very easy to say- sounds all brave and fearless, but is not so easy to follow, or so I have learned over time! My sister is a lot more mature than me though- she did actually manage to learn from my mistakes and made sure she did not repeat a lot of the ones I made, even though tempted otherwise. See, this is why you should always be the younger one! :P

Anyway, I digress.. So one of the things my mom never liked was how easily I trusted people. I don't mean strangers on the bus or anything, but more like how I could do anything for my friends and people I was close to. She did not like me having sleepovers with my friends or hanging out with them till late at night- 10 PM was my curfew time. She did not like it when I spoke to them on the phone for too long because she wanted me to study instead! She also did not like it when I gave up study-time or family-time to help them out or be with them sometimes. Her point in all this was that I go overboard and out of my way to help a friend and she wanted me to hold back on that because not all people reciprocate with the same intensity, which only ends up hurting me.. This impending hurt is what she wanted to save me from.. The fact that a lot of the stupid astrologers she consulted in those years told her the same thing about my over-trusting nature only made matters worse... :P

I was thinking about friendships the other day and the people who have been a part of my life ever since I really knew what it means to have a meaningful connection with a person. I often feel like God or whoever the guiding force is in this universe, is running a giant lab experiment with people in the world. Just like those redox reactions we learned about in school chemistry. We each form different kinds of bonds with different people depending on our so-called "electron configurations".. Each reaction can either increase or decrease our oxidation number but stability is reached only when a minimum energy bond is formed. Can we determine if that will happen with an X person, though? Not really.. Situations change, people change, we change, chemistries change; some people get lucky, others not so much; some people move on, others remain where they were.. In a situation that is so transient, how do we determine what is too soon and too close? And since we are always searching for reasons and answers, how do we justify the people who did come into our lives but left halfway? If they weren't planning on staying for the journey, then why did they make us change our destination?

Given all the above points, was my mom right?
Have I made a fool of myself by trusting the wrong people at times? Maybe.
Have I learned anything from those mistakes? The hope is that I have.
Will I repeat the same mistakes again? Oh hell, ya! :P
So, what do I do? She isn't here to save me from the hurt each time...
I guess I go back to what I told her ten years ago - "let me do what I want; let me make my own mistakes; how will I grow if I don't learn things the hard way"

I guess I'm not a big fan of growing up.....

New beginnings, old endings..

People tend to get really romantic about the beginning of new things- may be a new job, a new relationship, a new life, new people- whatever the case may be- starting with a clean slate seems to have some kind of charm to it. You think of how things would be different this time. You make lists of all the things you would work towards changing in yourself. A world of possibilities lay in front of you and you would work towards grabbing them with open arms and make the most of it - your life would change forever!

Reality check though- no matter how new life and the circumstances may be, you are still the same you- after a point, how much can you change yourself? Yes, you start with renewed enthusiasm and motivation, which is great! But very soon, the energy fades away and you tend to revert back to your old ways. Your faults still remain the same, your fears still remain the same, your goof-ups still remain the same. They only get temporarily subdued by the magic of a new beginning..

Like for example, suppose you are an inherently positive person who has a terrible accident and becomes a paraplegic- this may set you back initially, you will hate your life and curse your destiny. But once the emotions settle, the optimism and energy to take life by its horns and fight back does return because that's who you are. On the other hand, what if you are an inherently negative person and win a million dollar lottery? You would be ecstatic initially, love your life and thank your stars but once the wave of happiness subsides, you go back to complaining about the corruption, traffic, pollution and your neighbor's dog! The inner you really never changes.. Right?

We humans are funny- we keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and never really learn to change. And then we wonder why life didn't turn out any differently !! The unfortunate truth of the matter is- we are always given the right opportunities, but we never learn how to use them correctly.. Because screwing up something that is perfect is what comes naturally to us..

Can't Fight Time..

दिलों में तुम अपनी बेताबियाँ लेके चल रहे हो तो जिंदा हो तुम

नज़र में ख्वाबों की बिजलियाँ लेके चल रहे हो तो जिंदा हो तुम

बेताबी is good- it just means that you stand to lose something. It means that something is important enough that its absence affects you in some way. Having said that, I think as you grow older, you also realize that patience is seriously a virtue- there is a right place and a right time for things to happen and sometimes, you need to just trust that the process will fall in place when it has to. Unfortunately, I think I can be a real kid when it comes to this- I have always hated the dark. I like to know where things stand. In terms of my own life, I like to map out my career and life goals- at least make a tentative plan of action for how things should be. In terms of others, my actions more than compensate for my lack in being articulate about my thoughts and feelings. If I trust you and like you and make you a part of my inner circle, then you will know it through my actions- simple and straightforward. I hate those devious games people play in order to control someone’s mind and feelings. And I hate people who can never take a stand- especially when their decisions are interlinked to someone else. I guess it is this love for clarity and organization that helps me like my job as a project scheduler. But being in scheduling also teaches you that almost nothing is ever supposed to go as per plan.. :P The ultimate purpose of curveballs is to show up when you least expect them so that you can invest time and energy in figuring out how to dodge them. Things can never be as clear as black and white. Goals need time to pan out, people need time to take decisions- and the smart person knows how to accept that as a fact.

The bigger the investment, the better the returns. The little caveat in this philosophy, though, is- how does one know what is worth giving that time to? Scientists invest years in a particular project hoping against hope that their time and effort will not go in vain. People devote half their lifetimes to a relationship because they want it last till eternity. Till death do us part and all that.. But some times, things just don’t work out. People break up. Experiments fail. But the circle of life dictates that you take these setbacks in your stride, pick up the pieces and restart all over again. This is fine too- some times a clean slate is all you need. But starting from the bottom of the ladder also means that you need a lot more patience and perseverance to climb to where you were before and go beyond that. And god forbid, you reach the open mouth of a snake again! This game can get really frustrating!

The poem “If” by Rudyard Kipling is one of my all time favorites. There was a time I used to read this out to myself nearly every day. This is my favorite verse –

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools..

Life is full of so many layers- you figure out how to unravel one of them and before you know it, another has taken it’s place. I’m not complaining- the fun is in fitting together the pieces of this puzzle.. But sometimes, just on one of those days, you wish someone would just show you how the final picture is supposed to look like! :)


P.S. 1. - Blogging in the middle of the work day?! - Not good! But it's Friday! :)
P.S. 2. - Typing out that initial verse in Hindi was super-fun!

And then, it happened- Life!

Sky-diving is one of the must-do items on my list of things to accomplish in life. But like all items on that list- I want it to be just right- with the right people, the perfect weather, knowing that this is the day! Getting a tattoo was like that- it was completely random- my closest friend was going to visit from PA, I was going through a terrible time in my life and the last thing on my mind was a tattoo! She told me that we'd get it done together and the moment she said it- I knew that I wanted one that weekend! I looked up designs online and again, when my eye fell on my design, something about it resonated with what I was looking for.. Even today, every time I look at my tattoo, it brings a smile to my face. It changed something inside of me... Maybe it was a way of knowing that I was in control even though I had no idea what the end-result was going to be...


Moving across the country has been a similar experience. The reality of it did not hit me until I had shipped all my stuff to California already and was sitting at the Rochester airport with one bag, on my way to an awesome Memorial Day reunion with my friends at NYC before heading to CA. I remember a friend texting me - "This is IT !!" I remember packing my stuff in 90 minutes flat- 90 minutes is all it took to stuff my belongings of two years in bags and boxes- and mind you, I am an organized packer! I remember saying good-bye to my advisor and for the first time, wanting to really hug him because I was so overwhelmed and happy! I remember many other very quick good-byes.. I remember walking on the RIT campus, really seeing all the buildings and sculptures, as if it were my first time once again.. Everything else is a blur...

I landed in Davis, California and went to my new apartment and in the first three hours I spent there- my new room-mate had explained her entire health history to me.. Imagine talking about everything from stomach ulcers to uterine cysts with a person you know for fifteen minutes! It was awesome because she didn't care that I was new! :D First day of work at a new company was exciting- the whole razzmatazz of working in a big company etc etc! Tab woh din tha aur aaj yeh din hain.. It's been seven weeks since the move and my darling roommate's health history has already gotten two pages longer (kidding!), there are ten people I can call friends in this new city, I have projects that I am responsible for at work, and life has taken a successful 270-degree turn.. Somehow, through the avalanche of things that have happened in the past year, I landed up exactly where I belonged!

Sky-diving and getting inked give jitters to a lot of people- I know of so many friends who have gotten on that plane at 5000 feet, or have sat on the tattoo artist's chair and chickened out at the last minute. It's not about how gutsy you are actually- I've always believed that when something feels right, all fear goes away. You just have to jump! And trust that the instructor holding you knows what he is doing! :P And once the jump is over, you look back up at the sky and at the parachute on your back and sit wondering - Man, did I really do that ?!! :)

Somehow whenever people say life happened- it always seems to be the reason for failed ambitions or dreams gone awry. But look at it from my perspective and I say- I am so glad it did !!

The thing about "too good to be true..."

You know how people say that if something is too good to be true, it probably is... ?! I seriously hope that these people got it wrong this one time..

Coz after a very very very long time, a lot of good things are happening at the same time, and I so so so hope that all this is as real as it can get.. :)

Anyways, I am a believer in buri nazar, so I am not going to divulge any details until everything is all set, which should hopefully be very soon. Until then, I'm pinching myself every minute and keeping my fingers tightly crossed hoping that this streak continues for a while.. I need it and so I humbly accept it! :)

Do we always make the most of what we have?

So this is going to be one of those other random thoughts that crept into my head a few days back.. I'm trying not to be so analytical about every thought that crosses my mind, but due to some reason- I can't make it stop! Lol.. Good thing about this new obsession is that it at least provides food for thought for new posts on the blog.. :D

So anyway- you know how the economic situation around in the world, and in the US, in particular, has been in the doldrums for some time now?! Of course you know it.. I think the recession has affected the lives of each and every one of us in some way or the other. So anyway, in such cases- one thing people always talk about is making the most of the options we have on hand. So gone are the days when we could afford to be picky about the kind of job we wanted to do, or the kind of company/city we wanted to work in. Of course, you always apply for a job profile you think would suit your qualifications and interests, but by and large, you take what you get *gratefully*, without complaining too much! So, a job in upstate NY?!- Sure; I hate the snow and desperately want to move away from here- but that can wait for later! For now, a job is a job!

And there's nothing wrong with that- I mean, life is about making the most of the cards that are dealt out to you, right? There's always this ring of fire each of one needs to go through- where we are finding our niche, moving an inch closer to financial and emotional freedom, setting the foundation right. Once that is done, we are free to make our choices and demand what we desire and deserve.

So, is it okay to do that with the other aspects of life too- like in relationships? Most people do not get the chance to tell the perfect story- families are imperfect, people are imperfect. In the case of family, it is something we cannot change. So making the most of the situation is the only way to deal with it. But what about friends and especially, a life partner? When we choose the person to spend our life with- do we usually wait for the right one to come along or do we make the most of what we have? And which option is the right one?

I know most people would like to believe in the former option- that they were patient and believed there was a right one and soon enough, he/she came into their life. But isn't there always this moment of desperation some of us face- this fear of what if, just what if there is no such right one?! Or maybe there is, but they cannot afford to wait. Like, moving back to the job scenario. You have a job in hand, which is not the one you always dreamed of- but it's not bad either. You know there is a job out there that is tailor-made for you, but your OPT status is to expire in a month! Would you take your chances and wait it out? Or would you grab the job at hand? Okay, so I know that real life has no such OPT status expiration date- but I hope you get the idea I am trying to project! :D

I guess all I'm wondering is- in friendships, relationships and even in marriages- both the love and arranged kind- the way I always thought it's supposed to be is that you go with your gut feeling. You just know when the people/person is right for you. But there are times when people opt for the practical approach and take what they get. And then make the most of it. Accept it gratefully and learn to be happy with what they have. Is it okay to do that? And is it being fair to the other person? The obvious black and white answer is an emphatic no, but as always, there exists that gray area where things are not always so clearly defined...

India, Love and Acceptance

I got back two weeks ago from the most wonderful trip to India. It was so amazing, it almost feels unreal.. :P I wanted to start the new year on my blog with a detailed post on the trip, but I'm sure I'm going to burst into tears when I start thinking about it. So maybe I'll talk about it when I'm a little more stable.



So this post is going to be about two random thoughts that have been hovering around my mind for the past few days-

The first thought is about love- I just realized a few days ago, how important a role love plays in life. I mean, there are so many segments to our lives- our careers, our social life, our personal hobbies and interests, our material possessions, our family, ambitions, spirituality. Somehow in all of this, love seems to dominate it all- and by love, I mean, the idea of having someone to come home to, or having someone to call your own. Of course, I understand that this is just a feeling- you can feel that comfort and security even with a close family member or friend or a pet. But not having that feeling is one of the worst feelings in the world, regardless of how abundant all other aspects of your life may be! I know that because for three months, I came home to an empty house with no furniture and a bowl of fish that belonged to my roommate, who was never there! When I could take it no more, I decided to go through the terrible process of moving all my stuff, just so that I was living in a house with people! :P I don't think this hype about love is a bad thing though- I know people talk of self-sufficiency and being independent and what not, and I know that that are important qualities to develop. But at times, it is okay to just let your guard down and allow yourself to be a little bit vulnerable. True, right?

Another thought that came across my mind this morning is about acceptance. Think about it- what is the most common advice people give you when things are not going your way? To just accept the reality and move on. Somehow, no one ever tells you to fight the circumstances and claim what is rightfully yours. I know that acceptance is supposed to be the path of least resistance and subsequently, faster happiness. But maybe that is not the case all the time. Maybe sometimes you need to stop accepting and start forming your own reality; believe that you too can deserve something that you saw only others get. It is a risky proposition for sure, but then again- in order to get success, you have to have the strength to face potential failure!

Reality

Most of the times, you never realize the value of what you had unless it is taken away from you.

Most people never know what they really want. They know what they would like to want, which is often a result of comparing themselves to someone else and hoping that they could be like them by having the same things. But each person defines happiness and satisfaction and ambition and love differently. What worked for you will very rarely work for me. And if only we knew that, we'd be able to value what we have a lot more. If only we knew ourselves better, we'd be able to ask for exactly what we want and recognize it clearly when we get it. And then, we'd do everything possible to keep it ours forever.

But if that were to happen, then life would be too simple.

So, we lose things. And we lose people. Because we think that what we have is not enough- we can get more. Sure, maybe we can. But is that what we truly want? Is more always good?

And then, as if to prove a point, you get -- more. You get what you thought you wanted. Only to realize that you don't want it anymore. That's not who you are. You want what you had. But, as always, it's too late.

Or is it? Can you go back to what you had? Is it okay to hope?

Attitude of Gratitude

This article isn't my creation- my mother's friend sent this as a forward to her. I loved it so much that I wanted to reproduce it on the blog, as a reminder to everyone out there to take five minutes everyday just to say "THANK-YOU" to the people who make a difference in your life...

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Appreciation : What to appreciate, When and How: an Important Lesson!

One young academically excellent person went  for  an interview for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the first interview; BUT in that Comapny, the director did the last interview, made the last decision. 

The director discovered from the CV,  that the youth's academic result was excellent all the way, from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never was there  a year he did not score. The director asked, "Did you obtain any scholarship in school?" and the youth answered "no". 

The director asked, " Did your father pay  your school fees?". The youth answered,  "my father passed away when I was one year old and  it was my mother who paid  my school fees". 

The director asked, " Where did your mother work?" the youth answered, "my mother worked as cloth cleaner." The director requested the youth to show his hands and the youth showed a pair of hands that was smooth and perfect to the director. 

The director asked, " Did you ever help your mother wash  clothes before?" The youth answered," never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books, furthermore, my mother could wash clothes faster than I could" 

The director said, I have a  request, when you go back today, go and help to clean your mother's hand, and then see me tomorrow morning. 

The youth felt that the  chance of landing the job was high and  when he went back, he happily wanted to clean his mother's hands. His mother felt strange. With  happiness  mixed with fear, she showed her hands to the kid. 

The youth cleaned his mother's hands slowly and his tears fell as he did that.  It was the  first time he noticed that his mother's hands  were so wrinkled, and that  there were  so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful  that she  shuddered when his  mother's hands were cleaned with water. 

This is the first time that the youth realized and experienced that it is this pair of hands that washed the clothes every day to earn him the school fees and that the bruises in the mother's hand were the price that the mother paid for his graduation and academic excellence and probably his future. 

After finishing the cleaning of his mother's hands, the youth quietly washed  all the  remaining clothes for his mother. 

That night, the mother and son talked for a very long time. 

Next morning, the youth went to the director's office. The director noticed the tear in the youth's eye and asked: " Can you tell  what  you did and learnt yesterday in your house?" 

The youth answered, " I cleaned my mother's hands and also finished washing all the remaining clothes' 

The director asked, "Please tell me what you felt" 

The youth said:
"Number 1, I know what  appreciation is now'. Without my mother, I would not be successful today. 
Number 2, Now I know how to work together with my mother.  Only now do I  realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done.  
Number 3, I know the importance and value of family relationship."

The director said, " This is what I am asking, I want to recruit a person that can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the suffering of others to get things done, and a person that would not put money as his only goal in life to be my manager. You are hired. 

Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates, every employee worked diligently and as a team and the company improved tremendously. 

The Lessons from this anecdote:
A child who has been protected and habitually given whatever he needs,  develops "entitlement mentality" and always puts himself first. He is ignorant of his parents' efforts. When he starts work, he assumes every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the suffering of  his employees and always blame others. These kinds of people,  may/will achieve good results and  may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel a sense of achievement or satisfaction.  

If we happen to be this kind of (protective) parent, this is the time to ask the question- whether we  did/do love our kids or destroy them. 
-You can let your kid live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn to play the piano, watch a big screen TV but when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. 
-After a meal, let them wash their plate and bowl together with their brothers and sisters. 
-It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love and show them the  correct way.  
-You want them to understand that no matter how rich their parents are, one day they will grow old, become weak and that their hair too will grow grey,.

-The most important thing is for your kid to learn how to appreciate, experience and learn the effort and ability needed to work with others to get things done. They should also value, appreciate what the parents have done and love them for who they are!

Attraversiamo !!!

There is a lot of construction work going on an RIT for the past few months. Because of that, the usual route I take to go from the Industrial Engineering department (where I belong) to the Color Science building (where I do my thesis) has been blocked, forcing me to take an extra long road through the Quality department. Now, on my long walk, I also pass by the Center for Access Studies. For the past month, every time I pass through those corridors, I find this amazing bumper sticker on every professor's office door- "Don't postpone JOY". It is written in bright purple with the most exuberant font ever! Every time I see it, I smile- I don't know why, but I have always loved that sticker- such a simple message, yet so powerful.

Today, I managed to get one of those stickers for myself. I plan to paste it on my wall- directly above the makeshift mandir in my room. The reason I decided to put it there is so that I can see it every day and remind myself that nothing/no-one is worth my happiness and peace of mind.

I don't want to get too philosophical, but the past few days have been sort of a glaring revelation for me. I have been thinking a lot, contemplating on various issues- past and present. And I realize how easy it is for a person to join his happiness to that of another person.

If you're happy, I'm happy.
If you're sad, I'm sad.
Why?

I know we all are social beings and that is definitely a good thing- but it does not mean we wait for someone else to give us happiness. Dependence is good, but only as long as you don't make it your slave. I think I've been spending some time lately, really thinking about what I want to do, what I would feel happy doing! And even though I may not have all the answers, just devoting this time to myself gives me a very big sense of accomplishment. I think I am about to bring in some very big changes in my thinking and my belief system. And they are all changes for the better. It is going to be a slow, gradual process with every possibility of me reverting to my old self- but I think just writing it down here makes it seem a lot more serious. It feels like a pact I've made with myself. Which brings me to the title of my post- Attraversiamo is an Italian word I came across in Eat, Pray, Love. It means "to cross over", actually in the sense of crossing a road. But just like Elizabeth Gilbert, I prefer to take its more cosmic meaning of moving over to a better side- transformation!

Being 25 is sexy... :D:D

So the last few posts have been a little too serious and definitely not the type of stuff this blog is used to seeing. Well, it has been a slightly tough time and I guess I was using the blog to vent out my frustrations. But thankfully, some old and new friends have very successfully managed to show me the lighter, brighter, happier side of life and so to commemorate that- here is a positive post! :)

So, I am from the batch of 1985 and so all of us from this super-awesome batch turned 25 this year. Some (like me) passed through the golden doors much earlier this year, whereas a few others are heading that way over the next two months of 2010. Nonetheless, you know this whole hype around turning 25 right- silver jubilee, quarter life crisis, time to settle down, career, marriage blah blah blah... To be frank, it's just like any other birthday- you get a year older, but you still essentially remain the same person. It's not like the moment the clock turns 12, you undergo this magical transformation where your purpose in life becomes crystal clear and you attain this new found respect for life unknown to you before. Sure, there are changes- like a dear friend discovered on his 25th birthday- his tolerance for alcohol was no longer as strong as it was when he was 18! :-(

So anyway, with all this negative vibe going around turning 25, it was pretty heartening to see an amazingly cheerful birthday wish from one friend to another on her 25th birthday. I'm quoting from her Facebook page-

"You have successfully reached the first major summit! The view is fabulous from this point and I hear it gets better every year!"

I was so happy when I read this message- reminded me that just because I turned 25 doesn't mean that there is some imaginary deadline staring at me in the face! I partly blame our parents for this though- they somehow are still living in this 80's era where 25 was the then 35 !! :P And what is worse is that this weird rule applies more to girls than guys.. I mean, I don't see parents of 25-year old guys asking them about when they want to settle down.. Then why us girls?! Hamein bhi toh apni zindagi jeene do..

So anyways, I've decided to stop worrying for now. Life sucks and is crappy and is unfair and is dark and twisty and is full of a**holes- Agreed. But it is still a gift and I am going to try and cherish it from now on. :D:D

With this happy thought, I begin another crazy week... :D

The "What If..." Saga

Regrets.

Life is always full of regrets. I think people who say they're happy with every decision they've made in life or are satisfied with the way their life has turned out to be, are on a dose of Prozac or something... :P How many times have we let our minds wander away with thoughts of "What if X had happened instead of Y..."

The worst thing is that, often, the way our life turns out is not entirely dependent on us. The choices we make can never be for our individual desires alone. Somehow, our mind is conditioned to think of others' happiness, to put our family and friends before us, even if that means a little bit of sacrifice on our part. And then there are times when people think it's okay to take our lives in their hands and turn it upside-down AND inside-out and then hand it back to us! The problem with choices is that it's not always easy to distinguish the right from the wrong. You know that story where the author tells you that the path that seems more difficult is often the right one? Well, what do you do when you cannot determine what the more difficult path is? When both seem equally tough, or equally easy...

What if...
What if I had not moved back to India..
What if I had told you what I wanted instead of taking the beaten road..
What if I had left chapter 2 for option instead of chapter 4..
What if I had told you what happened immediately, instead of waiting for things to worsen six months later..
What if he had been in a good mood that day, instead of the foul mood is always is in..
What if I had gone to another university, instead of running after that scholarship..
What if I had not been a frequent user of Gtalk..
What if you had been honest with me from the start, instead of choosing not to speak..
What if we had never gone for that walk that day...
What if I had said "I'm not done fighting for this" instead of "Okay"..
What if you had said "I don't want to give up" instead of "Good-bye"..
What if you had realized you took a hasty decision two days later..
What if...

The problem with the 'what if's' is that they are like little threads of hope. You want to continue hanging on to them because you believe that life will give you a chance some day to relive that moment again. And when that chance comes, you will correct what you (think you) have wronged. Unfortunately though, the brutal truth is that such moments come only to a very very lucky few! And the second brutal truth is that unless you let go of the 'what if's', you can never truly move on..

I guess the thing about choices is that they were never meant to be easy- unless it's a choice between ice-cream and fruit! :P But you have to make them anyway, all the time! No amount of fretting for days and thinking things through can prepare you for the moment you make that one final decision. During such times, the best thing to do is always to take a deep breath and trust your instincts- and pray like hell, that you have the strength to face the music that follows!

Besides, I think in the long run, you learn to deal with the repercussions better. You learn to let go faster. And you learn to look for the silver lining everywhere you go.. Except for those choices that change your life forever. Such choices always linger on, somewhere at the back of your mind.. You try to forget them, to lock them up in a tiny box, but the scars always remind you of those times. When that happens, you should also remember that they were wounds of victory, not defeat...

The Big Cosmic Question

I've often wondered about this often-discussed concept of fate, destiny, karma etc etc. What exactly is true- Is everything predestined or do we have some amount of control over what happens in our lives? Now I know every human on this planet who has gone through life, has an opinion on this question- and I'd love to hear what you think! That's what the comments section is for! :D But you see, I haven't posted an article on this blog for a year now, so the likelihood of someone reading this post and actually commenting is pretty minuscule.. :P So, for now, I'm going to jot down my two cents on this concept..

Well, for starters, the reason I have always wondered about this issue is because of my mom. You see, she's been through the whole spectrum- from being a die-hard believer in horoscopes, numerology, even tarot, to having mellowed down over the past few years to a more balanced approach towards life. So every time anyone is going through a rough phase, she doesn't shy away from using her experiences to jostle them back to the harsh reality that is life! Of course, I mean this in a good way! :) Secondly, it helps when you have friends who have very interesting takes on the subject too..

So coming back- There was a point in my life when the eternal truth I believed in was that 'good things happen to good people'. And so, be good to all, be honest and sincere and always have integrity (which is the biggest virtue in the world, according to me). Of course, this was a time when the biggest problems in my life were not getting a 90 in English and the guy sitting on the 4th bench in class not smiling at me.. :P Over time, a lot of bigger problems took their place. During such frustrating times, my mom always told me that all things happen for a reason. This may seem like the worst thing that could ever happen to you at that point of time, but this phase is going to make you stronger so that you can deal with worse things when you get older. My mom always visited these funny astrologers, and tried out numerous pujas and stones and everything to try to avert the "bad stuff", but I participated with her only to keep her happy, not because I believed in it. I still do not believe in people who claim to have the powers to predict my future- I do not believe any human being is so gifted. And the amazing thing is that, over the years, my mom stopped believing in such people too! Another thing that changed is that now, I have an opinion on what life is about. I don't say it is universal or that it is true, but it is something that my life has taught me and it is something that helps me live better.

You see, something very interesting happened many years ago. There came a point in my life when I began to act completely out of character. Of course, at that point of time, it seemed perfectly natural and also felt like good-natured rebellion. But when I think of it now, it was so so anti-me! Without getting down to the gory details, lets just say that I was digging a big, huge hole for myself. And I could see that I was digging this hole and knew I should stop. But I just couldn't! The realization of what I had done struck when I was buried so deep that I didn't know how to come back.. It seems so foolish and immature when I think of that time right now, but it was definitely not so funny then. Let's just say that it took me a long time to get out of that sh*t, but I came out of it and washed myself clean.. :P Even today, whenever I think back on what happened, I only wonder what had come over me that made me behave so uncharacteristically! One of the plausible explanations I have is the famous Master Oogway line- "'Often, the steps we take to avoid destiny, lead us to it..'

Yup, regardless of what people may say or think, I do believe that destiny has some role to play in our life. There are some things in our life we have no control over. Incidents happen when you least expect them to, even when you think you've done all the right things! This does not mean you throw your hands in the air and just stroll through life. It is your job to take something away from everything that happens in life- the good and the bad stuff. When something good happens, you appreciate the goodness in life and learn to value what you have. And when things go against your wishes- you learn to deal with it and make the most of it. I am not a religions person, but I do believe in the existence of someone out there who is looking out for me. And I know that he is constantly trying to filter out the bad stuff from my life and that he is going to connect the dots somehow. You remember that crappy situation I mentioned earlier? Well, something good came out of that too. I may have gone through the worst two years of my life, but in the end, I got a chance to mend some very crucial relationships. I got the chance to value what I had been given and I definitely would not have been here today had I not realized this. So you see..it took four years, but the dots connected.

So, where does this leave us with the good = good equation?! You ever heard of the saying 'what goes around, comes around?! Well, it's true !!! So you do good, so that you can build positive relationships in life. When your destiny lands you in a bowl of crap, you are going to need people to help you out of it. And the only way people will respect you, is if you respect them. You do good because you want to do good, not because life is a balance sheet!

What is important is that you push through the bad stuff and believe that some good is about to come. The only thing constant in life is change and so why waste time worrying, right?! Watch reruns of Friends and Scrubs, read books, paint, read this article, reconnect with old friends, travel and take exciting classes- do anything, but push through it! And keep faith in the good things in life- friends who value you no matter what, a family that loves you no matter what, and a purpose in life that keeps you going no matter what.. :)

My mom sent me these lines from a book she reads quite a lot nowadays- The Secret. It is a bit cheesy, but I think this really summarizes a lot of what I've been trying to pen down-

So often, when things change in our lives, we have such a resistance to the change. This is because when people see a big change appearing, they are often fearful that it is something bad. But it is important to remember that when something big changes in our lives, it means something better is coming. There cannot be a vacuum in the Universe, and so as something moves out, something must come in and replace it. When change comes, relax, have total faith, and know that the change is ALL GOOD. Something more magnificent is coming to you!

45 lessons

Got this forward from my dad this morning. Now this is a little (actually, completely) philosophical, and it is not in the nature of this blog or its owner to sermonize on a routine basis. But in the current difficult times, this little forward did make a lot of sense to me. So, I had to post it here. Read it and give it a thought! :)

PS- I've highlighted the ones I liked best of the lot !!


Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio :

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone.. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind..
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

The Big C

Well, no, I'm not referring to Cancer or Commitment though they are Big C's too! What I'm talking about is COMMUNICATION !!!

You know, I have more than 400 friends on Orkut. (Well if you've lived in two countries, gone to two schools, a junior college and a professional college, you end up knowing those many people! Anyway that's not the point here, so shush! :-P) And if seventy percent of these people have been in relationships (you know, the boy-girl-in-love types) that didn't work out, at least fifty percent of them feel they ended because they "didn't communicate at the right time". (How do I know this? I didn't conduct a survey; there's a section in the profile called "From your past relationships you learnt:". I know from that. See, Orkutting can be useful too! ;-))

There are reports of how the divorce rate in India, especially in metros, is increasing at alarming rates. Most couples blame it on miscommunication.

I was reading this article in India Today on teenage suicides. Apparently 16 teenagers commit suicide every day in India and 82% of them say they're under stress because their parents talk to them only about their marks and career, while they want to talk to parents about themselves.

Until a few years ago, I always thought that it isn't necessary to communicate your feelings to your friends and family. Since they've been such an important part of your life for so long, they'll understand what you feel. But the past few months have made me realize that this is far from true. It is often the people we're closest to, who need to know how much we care about them. And I'm not just including romantic relationships here; even our parents and friends come in this bracket.

All through my school and college, I've had so many friends, some who I thought would last a lifetime. But more often than not, we drifted apart in due course of time. And I often blamed my pals for what happened. It was always something they did or something they said that strained relations. Until I realized that since I was the common factor in all those disagreements, surely something would be wrong with me too!

My sister, though, is very good at this communication thing. Since she stays away from home, all the sms-es she sends my mom and me are laced with "Love you" and "Miss you" and what not. If we don't talk to her for more than 24 hours, she gets restless. And one thing she keeps telling us is that she doesn't want us to get used to living without her, ever! At face value, all this seems a tad too sentimental. I used to always think- What the hell, she's away from home to study. You can't afford to be so emotional about silly issues. But the fact is, she doesn't say this coz she is miserable without us. She's managing fine enough. But these are just ways to tell your people what they mean to you. And going by how much my mom loves those sms-es, I can safely vouch for it's success.

We people get so bogged down by the rigmarole of life that we often give our family last priority. And while I agree with the philosophy that "paisa hai toh jahan hai", we should not forget what we're losing out on, in the process. Which is where the second aspect comes into picture- communication at the right time! You know how these couples claim that one of the golden rules of a successful marriage is never to sleep over a fight. I think this is one practice everyone should follow. In fact, don't even wait for a fight. Prevention is better than cure here. And while I'm not saying that you should scoot off to send balloons/chocolates/gifts/flowers to your loved ones every single day, it always pays to take some time off over the weekend to call up or email your pals. Write crap, but write. Like a few days ago, a friend from the US sent me a silly email about why I should be thankful I got a reject from Georgia Tech as most people in Gatech are gay! Well don't ask me what that means, this guy is a little loony! (Sorry Soumya! :-)) But I was laughing for ten minutes after that! See how simple it was?!

So, all I'm saying is- It's important to not take your family and friends for granted. And while it may seem trivial to some, taking time out to involve your people in the happenings of your life really goes a long way in building trust and love in a relationship. If someone like me can learn to do it, it must be child's play for sure!

And since this has been a rather serious article, here's a joke to lighten the mood -

When God made the first Negro, what did he say?
Oh shit! Yeh toh jal gaya !! :-D:-D
(I don't know why, but I love this joke! Just the idea of God saying it is h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s, no offence to Black people, I love you guys! Go Obama !! :-D)

Wondering..

What is the best way to make a decision or choose between two options laid out in front of you, if you don't know which of the two is best for you?!

Like consider a situation where you have two options- O1 and O2 -

O1 is what people term as a "safe bet". It's something that's been done before, will fetch immediate returns and guarentees (instant) success to a large extent. It's also something you know you will be pretty good at and will make you happy.

Whereas O2 is not exactly what is termed conventional, it would bring success- but only in the long run. It is something you think you're good at, but you're not sure coz you've never really given it your best shot yet. But it's something that'll make you happier, much happier !!

So now how do you decide what to go for?! Either you have the gumption to take a decision and stick to it, no matter the consequences- which would be the best way of course, but only in an ideal world! What if you don't have the capacity or the maturity to choose? Another option, in this case, is to leave it to nature/fate/God right.. The whole The Alchemist type mindset.

"When you want something - the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

So you go for O1 and if that works out, you take it as a sign and accept that it was the right option for you. If that doesn't work out, obviously O2 is the way to go! Simple enough. But here's the catch. What if somewhere in the deep, dusty corners of your heart, you want to choose O2 coz you know that's the way to go. (Inner voice and all that...) But you still choose O1, hoping that it won't work out and O2 would automatically fall open for you. But O1 works !! And it works better than you expected it would !!

Then what do you do? Do you take that as a sign and accept that O1 is actually right?!

Don't you owe it to yourself to give O2 a shot too ?!

Guess it takes courage to not just take a decision, but also to decide how to take that decision eh !!

Worth a thousand words !!!

Says it all.... :-)

(Photo credits: Soumya)