Growing up...

Like all mothers of the world, my mom has always been extremely protective about me, maybe a touch more than most moms actually.. Of course, when I was a teenager, I called it being over-bearing and interfering but growing up makes you realize that it was actually just her motherly need to shield me from all the bad things in the world. I do the same with my sister sometimes- she is only 4 years younger to me but every now and then, I feel the need to warn her about the dangers in the world. I even use the same dialogue my mom used on me- "learn from me, don't repeat the mistakes I made!" My retort to that always was the classic- "let me do what I want; let me make my own mistakes; how will I grow if I don't learn things the hard way?!" Very easy to say- sounds all brave and fearless, but is not so easy to follow, or so I have learned over time! My sister is a lot more mature than me though- she did actually manage to learn from my mistakes and made sure she did not repeat a lot of the ones I made, even though tempted otherwise. See, this is why you should always be the younger one! :P

Anyway, I digress.. So one of the things my mom never liked was how easily I trusted people. I don't mean strangers on the bus or anything, but more like how I could do anything for my friends and people I was close to. She did not like me having sleepovers with my friends or hanging out with them till late at night- 10 PM was my curfew time. She did not like it when I spoke to them on the phone for too long because she wanted me to study instead! She also did not like it when I gave up study-time or family-time to help them out or be with them sometimes. Her point in all this was that I go overboard and out of my way to help a friend and she wanted me to hold back on that because not all people reciprocate with the same intensity, which only ends up hurting me.. This impending hurt is what she wanted to save me from.. The fact that a lot of the stupid astrologers she consulted in those years told her the same thing about my over-trusting nature only made matters worse... :P

I was thinking about friendships the other day and the people who have been a part of my life ever since I really knew what it means to have a meaningful connection with a person. I often feel like God or whoever the guiding force is in this universe, is running a giant lab experiment with people in the world. Just like those redox reactions we learned about in school chemistry. We each form different kinds of bonds with different people depending on our so-called "electron configurations".. Each reaction can either increase or decrease our oxidation number but stability is reached only when a minimum energy bond is formed. Can we determine if that will happen with an X person, though? Not really.. Situations change, people change, we change, chemistries change; some people get lucky, others not so much; some people move on, others remain where they were.. In a situation that is so transient, how do we determine what is too soon and too close? And since we are always searching for reasons and answers, how do we justify the people who did come into our lives but left halfway? If they weren't planning on staying for the journey, then why did they make us change our destination?

Given all the above points, was my mom right?
Have I made a fool of myself by trusting the wrong people at times? Maybe.
Have I learned anything from those mistakes? The hope is that I have.
Will I repeat the same mistakes again? Oh hell, ya! :P
So, what do I do? She isn't here to save me from the hurt each time...
I guess I go back to what I told her ten years ago - "let me do what I want; let me make my own mistakes; how will I grow if I don't learn things the hard way"

I guess I'm not a big fan of growing up.....

Thank you AOL / ICQ for coming up with instant messenger services in the 1900's and then Google for integrating it with their email service !!!

I officially love gtalk - because it can connect people who are 7374 miles apart and have not spoken to each other for over 13 days and who need to speak to each other !!! :):)

Stupid post, but this has been a crazy week and I'm happy it's ending and I'm grateful for a few special people in my life... :) And gtalk just helped me reconnect with them.. :)

New beginnings, old endings..

People tend to get really romantic about the beginning of new things- may be a new job, a new relationship, a new life, new people- whatever the case may be- starting with a clean slate seems to have some kind of charm to it. You think of how things would be different this time. You make lists of all the things you would work towards changing in yourself. A world of possibilities lay in front of you and you would work towards grabbing them with open arms and make the most of it - your life would change forever!

Reality check though- no matter how new life and the circumstances may be, you are still the same you- after a point, how much can you change yourself? Yes, you start with renewed enthusiasm and motivation, which is great! But very soon, the energy fades away and you tend to revert back to your old ways. Your faults still remain the same, your fears still remain the same, your goof-ups still remain the same. They only get temporarily subdued by the magic of a new beginning..

Like for example, suppose you are an inherently positive person who has a terrible accident and becomes a paraplegic- this may set you back initially, you will hate your life and curse your destiny. But once the emotions settle, the optimism and energy to take life by its horns and fight back does return because that's who you are. On the other hand, what if you are an inherently negative person and win a million dollar lottery? You would be ecstatic initially, love your life and thank your stars but once the wave of happiness subsides, you go back to complaining about the corruption, traffic, pollution and your neighbor's dog! The inner you really never changes.. Right?

We humans are funny- we keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and never really learn to change. And then we wonder why life didn't turn out any differently !! The unfortunate truth of the matter is- we are always given the right opportunities, but we never learn how to use them correctly.. Because screwing up something that is perfect is what comes naturally to us..

I...

...want to feel pure adrenaline!
...want to jump off a plane at 15,000 feet and experience free falling to the earth!
...want to see a shooting star!
...want to really, really, really laugh!
...want to really, really, really cry!
...want to tell someone my crazy life ambitions!
...want to fulfill one of my crazy life ambitions!
..want to find something that I love so much, it even keeps me awake at night! Somehow Anu's words have never stop ringing in my mind for seven years now!
...want to go back to kick-boxing!
...want to take a wrong turn somewhere and discover a completely new, untouched, pristine land!
...want to get back my 4 AM friend!
...want to stop putting on a brave and smiley face all the time! I remember this famous line in a musical- flowers wilt, apples rot, thieves get rich and saints get shot and God don't answer all our prayers a lot.. :P Hell, that's true and I know life goes on, but that doesn't mean I cannot sulk about it! :P
...want to use a lot of swear words.. :P I know that's not me, but I still want to do it.. :P
...want life to imitate a Hindi film!
...want to believe that keeping the faith works..
..want to learn how to live alone- 3 years with roommates and I've seriously forgotten how to enjoy my own company!
...want to read a book in one entire sitting!
...want to live a day without a cellphone!
...want to break eggs or throw oranges or yell real loud or punch someone real hard!
...want to go to London!
...want to feel the goosebumps on my skin just before a performance on stage! It's been over a year!
...want to lie down under the sky and watch the stars (maybe I'll do that tonight.. :))
...want to work on a lathe or milling machine!
...want to go into a bubble- nothing else exists!
...want to feel total control!
...want to work super-hard!
...want to see a miracle happen!
...want to eat fondue!
...want to land up at the airport and take a flight to a random place!
...want someone to believe in me!
...want a pet cat!
...want to make plans!
...want to feel inspired!
...
...
...
...

The Bench

Blame fiction writers and film-makers for romanticizing gardens so much. He who plants a garden, plants happiness, they say. Great love is born here, even greater loves end here. Legend has it that Newton was sitting in a garden when he was hit by that famed apple and the story of gravity was born. No one even considers the fact the Newton was working on the theory of terrestrial gravity for nearly two decades- what is important is that it all came together during that afternoon walk in the garden full of apple trees. The Book of Genesis credits the Garden of Eden as the place where the whole of the human race initiated. People build gardens as dedications for their loved ones. You know my favorite garden scene in a movie? It's one of those last scenes in (500) days of Summer, where Summer meets Tom for the first time after she gets married. That dialogue still rings in my head - "You weren't wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me."

Me? Oh, I'm a bench- the tiny, inconsequential element that no garden is complete without and yet, is always forgotten. There are no love ballads written about me. No bench is ever used as a metaphor for life, love and happiness. I'm sure there were no benches in the Garden of Eden, but let's go back to the Newton story- what if Issac was sitting under another bench and the apple had never fallen on his head? He still would have figured out the laws of Nature, of course, only maybe a decade later.

Don't get me wrong, I'm usually not the jealous, attention-seeking type. I agree that I per se, have no aesthetic appeal whatsoever. People come to the garden for the trees and the flowers and butterflies and ponds and the like- I am only a functional element placed for the sake of convenience, a mere prop. There isn't a lot you can do with me too- I come in two types, wood and metal. There could be a simple or more ornate version of me- but that's about it. But would people spend as much time in a garden if there were no bench? Probably not. Most of them don't like to get their clothes dirty, so they wouldn't sit on the grass, although I agree that is more romantic than a bench. I am the one who hears all the stories, sees the love and the pain and the fear and the passion. I feel for these people. I know these people......

"I'm sorry, Aaliya.", he said.
"This is all I wanted. For seven years. All I wanted was a heartfelt sorry. So, I should say thank-you I guess", she replied, pensive look in her eyes.
"I guess I was a kid back then. Naive and stupid. I should have stayed."
"You shouldn't have stayed, you should have fought. There is a difference. And you should have been honest with me. I deserved that much."
"I know. But why didn't you fight longer then, Al. You knew how messed up my mind was then."
"You think we would have lasted any longer? A year more, maybe. But a lifetime? Nahh.. We are structured very differently, Nits. You need a punching bag and a Gibraltar. Someone who'll be there when you think the whole world is against you. But you don't know how to be that for someone else."
"That's not true."
"It is. And you know it. Anyway, that is not of any consequence anymore. We have both moved on far bigger and better places. This day is just an ending our story should have gotten years ago."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes. More than I can ever imagine. Whatever happened, did happen for the best."
"I know. And I'm happy for us"
"Bye, Nits. Have a good life."
"Bye, Aaliya. I'm sorry again."

She smiles. They get up and leave. They were my favorite couple. And I remember feeling the pangs of helplessness when they ended things right at this spot seven years ago, almost to the day. That was the day I wished I had arms that could move. So that I could give one thwack to Nits and ask him to stay. So that I could give a bear hug to Aaliya when he left.

I am only a bench- ornate and metal, painted black. I have no wordly wisdom and no greater purpose. But there's one quote from Shantaram that sums up life as I know it.

"Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that's all there is. Love & its duty, sorrow & its truth. In the end that's all we have - to hold on tight until the dawn" 

Shantaram was her favorite book. Aaliya always read this out to Nits. Unfortunately, he never really got it.

Can't Fight Time..

दिलों में तुम अपनी बेताबियाँ लेके चल रहे हो तो जिंदा हो तुम

नज़र में ख्वाबों की बिजलियाँ लेके चल रहे हो तो जिंदा हो तुम

बेताबी is good- it just means that you stand to lose something. It means that something is important enough that its absence affects you in some way. Having said that, I think as you grow older, you also realize that patience is seriously a virtue- there is a right place and a right time for things to happen and sometimes, you need to just trust that the process will fall in place when it has to. Unfortunately, I think I can be a real kid when it comes to this- I have always hated the dark. I like to know where things stand. In terms of my own life, I like to map out my career and life goals- at least make a tentative plan of action for how things should be. In terms of others, my actions more than compensate for my lack in being articulate about my thoughts and feelings. If I trust you and like you and make you a part of my inner circle, then you will know it through my actions- simple and straightforward. I hate those devious games people play in order to control someone’s mind and feelings. And I hate people who can never take a stand- especially when their decisions are interlinked to someone else. I guess it is this love for clarity and organization that helps me like my job as a project scheduler. But being in scheduling also teaches you that almost nothing is ever supposed to go as per plan.. :P The ultimate purpose of curveballs is to show up when you least expect them so that you can invest time and energy in figuring out how to dodge them. Things can never be as clear as black and white. Goals need time to pan out, people need time to take decisions- and the smart person knows how to accept that as a fact.

The bigger the investment, the better the returns. The little caveat in this philosophy, though, is- how does one know what is worth giving that time to? Scientists invest years in a particular project hoping against hope that their time and effort will not go in vain. People devote half their lifetimes to a relationship because they want it last till eternity. Till death do us part and all that.. But some times, things just don’t work out. People break up. Experiments fail. But the circle of life dictates that you take these setbacks in your stride, pick up the pieces and restart all over again. This is fine too- some times a clean slate is all you need. But starting from the bottom of the ladder also means that you need a lot more patience and perseverance to climb to where you were before and go beyond that. And god forbid, you reach the open mouth of a snake again! This game can get really frustrating!

The poem “If” by Rudyard Kipling is one of my all time favorites. There was a time I used to read this out to myself nearly every day. This is my favorite verse –

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools..

Life is full of so many layers- you figure out how to unravel one of them and before you know it, another has taken it’s place. I’m not complaining- the fun is in fitting together the pieces of this puzzle.. But sometimes, just on one of those days, you wish someone would just show you how the final picture is supposed to look like! :)


P.S. 1. - Blogging in the middle of the work day?! - Not good! But it's Friday! :)
P.S. 2. - Typing out that initial verse in Hindi was super-fun!

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens..

Hmmm so I've had enough of the philosophical posts.. One thing I've come to realize is that the mind is very complex- I think it likes to complicate even the simplest of equations.. And no matter how hard you try, the only way to untangle some knots is to just let them be- sometimes the answer just pops back at you after a while.. So, wanting to write something cheerful and simple.. I remember this game a friend and I used to play whenever any of us felt a little low.. We'd just close our eyes, clear our minds completely, set the timer to five minutes and then start listing out the things that make us feel happy- no thought, no deliberation and no logic.. She isn't with me right now, but I'm still going to play this game by myself..

So here goes- cannot close my eyes and type but still...clearing my mind...setting the timer to five minutes.. Its 11:58 PM..

My cat back home in Pune
Long conversations with close friends
When Monday morning meetings get canceled..
Pehli baarish
Purple
Whatsapp messages that make you smile in the middle of a hard day
When a new cooking experiment turns out really well
New York City
Fall colors in the east coast
An idea or project that captivates you so much that it even keeps you awake at night
Not having to always spell out every feeling
Lighthouses
Kesar pista kulfi
Being on a creative high
Love
Setting up an apartment
Old photographs
Sunday morning coffee
Planning surprises
Getting surprises... :)
Chats on the balcony
Grey's Anatomy quotes that just fit the mood of the day
Dance
Being able to click a really good portrait
Compliments
Reading archived emails from days gone by
Holding hands
Refrigerator magnets
Light snow that floats around like tiny wasps of cotton
Uplifting music
Random smiles
That feeling in your gut that tells you something is right
Waterfalls
Vanilla milkshake
Spanish

Alrighty, time's up, mind is happy and it's time to sleep.. Shubh ratri everyone.. :)

Stromboli

Disclaimer: This post is named Stromboli because it's lunch time and I'm hungry and I am craving Stromboli.. This post is not even remotely related to food. This post is not about anything actually. I've just been having a very confused past few days and I'm trying to string my thoughts together because I've always been better at writing than speaking.. Having said that, my thoughts are so tangled right now that I don't think even writing them down point-wise is really going to help me- but it's my blog, so what the hell- I'm still going to give it a shot.. I apologize in advance for the random post- something more concrete in a few days- I promise.. :)


[Thought 1]

Have you ever felt like there is so much to do in life and so little time? Like not in terms of long-term, well-defined goals per se, but just things you want to do. I read blogs of random people at times, and some of them are very open about what their dreams are- some want to learn French, some want to reach the base camp of the Himalayas, some want to sky-dive or write a book or open a start-up venture.. I have such goals too, but it's just that I'm not very vocal about them. But one thing I've always wondered is- it's very easy, no let's rephrase that- it's easier to write or define things you want to accomplish at certain stages of your life. But very few actually follow them through and reach a stage where they can successfully strike them off their list. What distinguishes these people from the rest, who just make a list and store it in a keepsake box and then open it a few years down the line and lament about how time has flown by..? Is it mere talent? Nah, can't be that simple- Talent is useful in terms of achieving your full-blown life goals in your profession or family or social life. But in most cases, these goals take up so much of your time and energy that the other less-significant, personal, yet important items get sidetracked. I think most of it is about motivation- the will to practice and persist until you succeed. But then again, motivation can be internal or external- for some people, their inner fire is so strong that no amount of resistance can stop them. Others need people to push them. Like in the case of writing- as G correctly pointed out- it's easier to write when you have interesting people around you to talk with because a lot of these conversations actually generate ideas.. Again, with internal motivation- it stems from how the society around you has been- have you always been pushed to give everything a shot without fearing failure or have you always been asked to test the waters before jumping? In the case of external motivation, it's all about being at the right place at the right time.. I can go on about this, but the idea is that a full-blown FMEA can be done on what distinguishes the achievers from the regulars. But in all it's veracity (;)), it is also nearly impossible to develop a set model for these kind of habitual achievers. This whole concept scares me because of the uncertainty associated with it. How many items am I going to be able to cross off my list? What if the mundane concerns of day-to-day life completely take over these crazy ambitions?


[Thought 2]

Choices. Since the time philosophy was invented, pseudo-smart and consciously verbose people have professed about how the choices we make define the path of our lives. The thing about choices is that sometimes the right thing to do can be very different from what you want to do. Like you have two paths to choose from- A and B. A is the path of least resistance- logical, safe, more than 40% chance of success, possibility of pleasing more than 60% people. Those are good odds. But A is just blah- it's not what you want from your life, it doesn't excite you, you know that a small part of your brain would probably regret it always. B on the other hand is how you have always wanted it to be- you know that if this works, then it's a jackpot- but there is no way of knowing if it will work or not. And sometimes, time is not on your side. What do you do? Still give B a shot? Or go with A and then try to convince yourself to find the excitement and inspiration in it? Maybe things take a turn and you realize eventually that A was the right thing to do after all. But it's a gamble.. Okay, I'm not battling with such dramatic issues in life, but every decision you take is a miniature version of this problem- A or B, safe or risky, normal or exciting? Stupid philosophers wasted time in writing those crappy quotes- thoda time solution ko define karne mein invest karte toh the world would be an easier place.. :P


[Thought 3]

So I was thinking about the weirdest quotes from Hindi movies that I remember and somehow the following one from Maine Pyaar Kiya always is the first one to pop up- This was after Mohnish Behl sees Salman Khan and Bhagyashree in his party together- so imagine the scene- All three are drenched in rain (can't remember why it was raining, actually maybe they're just sweating..), Mohnish is angry- I think he was trying to lootofy the izzat of Bhagyashree and of course, Sallu bhai is the knight in shining armor.. So woman is crying in a corner, hero is wild with fury and villain is insulted but also glad to have proven a point.. The dialogue goes- "Prem, ek ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi ban sakte. Yeh toh parda hai parda.. Kapkapati raaton mein dhadakte hue dilon ki tadapti hui aag ko bujhane ka...chupaane ka..

Waah waah- kya dialogue hai! Don't ask me why I remember it so well though- I wish I knew! :P

Another dialogue that is my all time favorite is from Kal Ho Na Ho- "Hasna hai toh Rohit, rona hai toh Rohit, magar pyaar karna hai toh kisi aur se.. It's not going to work anymore, Naina.." Hmmm the plight of being stuck in the "friend" zone... :P

[Thought 4]

Have you ever met a person who has challenged you more than anyone ever has? So you meet them and get to know them and every time, there is a new facet to their personality that amazes you and frustrates you at the same time- you wish you could be like them, but you also know that you could never be like them.. I can't spell out the feeling correctly, but I hope you get the point.. I have always been very good at understanding people but characters like these are so difficult to sort out..

[Thought 5]

I really feel like doing something impulsive. It's been so long since I've just done something in the moment, just because I felt like it !! :( Maybe I should ask G to get that liquid nitrogen from his lab.. :P

[Thought 6]

Sometimes I wish I could behave or act like a typical girl, just for a few hours- I don't know exactly what that means, but that's why it's a random thought.. :P


I don't exactly feel sorted right now, but can I please have some Stromboli?

Children

Random website-hopping brought me to this beautiful poem by Kahlil Gibran- On Children.

If you have kids, this is one of those poems you should have framed by your bedside and read out loud every night, almost like a prayer.. I know that's one thing I would do for sure..

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Note to all parents: After a certain age, let your children be ! They are smart enough to figure their way out..

Fiction piece from the yesteryears..

Time: One of those unusual quiet Saturdays, 1:35 AM

State of Mind: Melancholic

Song on iPod: Tanha Dil Tanha Safar (maybe that explains the mood.. :P) 

I am browsing through my hard disk and reading some of the articles I've written in the past so many years- most of them have found their way to this blog, but there are some things which I never got around to posting coz they were too amateurish or silly.. Opened this little fictional piece I wrote many years ago- which is kind of inspired from a true life incident (as is all fiction).. Just brought a smile to my face because it's ending is the exact opposite of what I wrote about in my previous post..

Reproducing it here, in its unedited and unabridged form, four years after writing it.. :)

**********************************************************************************

Remember how we used to have categories of friends when we were younger- general friends, good friends, best friends, bestestest friends.. She wanted to know which category she belonged to.

"Well, if it bothers you so much, just ASK him.. Not a big deal. It’s not like you’re his pesky girlfriend", her mind told her.

True. But asking a question as silly as "So....where do I stand in your life?" would make her a "typical" female, a tag she had so consciously stayed away from.

But everything was so unsettling. She wanted to know. Maybe she was a typical.

"Penny for your thoughts!", he said, as he sat beside her on the couch, interrupting her thoughts.

"Hey! Done with your phone call?"

"Yeah, was a friend from work. So....who you thinking about?", he asked, that familiar twinkle in his eyes.

"Huh...no one re. Just watching some TV"

"The History Channel? Wow...you take TV - watching seriously mate !"

With that, they both burst out laughing, as she flipped through the channels. A few minutes passed by in silence- the comfortable kind, not awkward at all..

"Hey, ummmm....you wanna go for a walk or something? If you're not too tired with all the traveling and jet lag, that is.", he asked finally.

She looked at him, and suddenly everything was so clear. Her mind raced back to 1998- this was exactly how it had started. This very question, that walk, had marked their transition from “general” friends to “bestestest” friends. 

Of course, nothing had changed.. This time, geographical boundaries and education had come in the way. Soon, there'd be girlfriends and boyfriends, jobs, marriage, kids; but nothing; absolutely nothing could change what they had. Ever. Did she really need to define it? No. Because some things are best left unsaid....

"What's funny? Why are you smiling?", he asked, as he walked towards the door.

"Nothing. I'll just grab a pullover; I think its kinda cold in your London...."

**********************************************************************************

Sometimes Calvin and Hobbes just get you.. :)

 

Time: 1:58 AM

State of Mind: Still Melancholic

Song on iPod: Haule haule ho jayega pyaar..

Last thought before I crash into bed: I love Taani partner!

Why does everyone always wait till 3 ?

Sometimes the Youtube suggested videos come up with real gems- like this short film that popped up after a Grey's Anatomy song (go figure!)...



If you think about it- the story is very standard- a guy with a list of things to do before graduation, his girl - friend (the dash that makes all the difference!) who he also has a crush on, and how he gathers up the courage to tell her his feelings in the end..

All of us have those lists of things we want to accomplish before graduation or before we turn 25 or 30 or 50, whichever bracket you fall into..
All of us know the feeling of being secretly crazy about someone but not knowing how to say it because you don't want to "ruin the friendship.."
And hopefully some of us have gathered up the courage to tell them how we felt in the hope of leaving nothing unsaid..

In matters of the heart, more than ever, timing is everything. One missed chance, one wrong move, or a little too much alcohol (;)) can break your shot at the possibility of a great love. The funny thing though, is that you never really know at that point, if it was a good or bad thing. What seems like a lost cause then, could probably be the pathway to something even bigger and better in your future. The dots connect backwards- true. But at the same time, you can connect the dots only if you create them in the first place. Unless you take your chances, how will you know what you could get? Why does everyone always wait till 3? The right moment is now, not when the moon is in its waning crescent phase and stars are forming a heart shape in the sky.. :P

My second take-home message is this- I sincerely hope that none of you have to experience lost love, because no doubt, it is one of the hardest things you ever have to go through. But if it does come your way- then never go down without a fight. If you wallow in self-pity, then it's like giving the other person the remote control of your life. And that is completely unacceptable. Cry if you want to. But only for fifteen minutes. Love is not a battlefield, but bouncing back is.

(This post goes out to Aly- This is all I want you to remember, girl..)

No Title.

Yet another quote from Grey's Anatomy hits the nail on the head today..

"...And is it worth it—being responsible? Because if you take your vitamins and pay your taxes and never cut the line, the universe still gives you people to love and then lets them slip through your fingers like water, and then what have you got? Vitamins and nothing..."

Responsibility sucks. I never took my vitamins. I've made mistakes. But I've alwayd learned from them.
I never said I was perfect.
People matter. Love matters.
Life is weird.

Humans like to impose and demonstrate their power on other living beings like animals by killing them for food, pleasure or revenge. Basically they like controlling and manipulating others' lives. Survival of the fittest. I say, that is unfair. Which is why I'm vegetarian.

Then, God or whatever you consider above all of us, shows us our place by doing the exact same thing to us. That is unfair too. But I said I was vegetarian. Shouldn't that account for something? A few brownie points, maybe?

Maybe agnosticism is the way to go- No expectations, no accountability.

I'm using the blog as a diary again. Damn!

48 minutes..

So I just put laundry in the dryer and have nothing to do for forty-eight minutes. I was just talking to a friend yesterday about how I tend to think through every post I write on my blog- it is usually an activity that spans a couple of days. So just as a fun exercise, I have decided to get as random as is possible for me, and pen down whatever crosses my mind until my laundry gets done!

Okay, that intro just took me two minutes, so forty-six minutes on the clock it is..

1. The title of this post reminds me of the "Sattar minute" monologue from Chak De... :) But Adtaalees doesn't sound as cool as Sattar !! :P
2. I love cricket!
3. I wish I could use fancy-shmancy words while blogging.. :P Or for that matter, write about fancy-shmancy concepts/ ideas..
4. I hate moving- even if it is to a place that is two miles away. More than the effort of packing and unpacking- it is the mental exercise involved in leaving one place you are familiar with and getting used to a completely new environment. This is the ninth apartment I will be living in, in the three years I have been in the US but I'm still not used to it!
5. Talking about moving- I think I've spoken about moving wayyy too much on this blog! :P But whatever...it's been an integral part of my life for so many days now!
6. Setting up a new place is also freakishly expensive man- I've spent 800 bucks in the past ten days already! Never shopped so much since Thanksgiving 2008, when I went to India for the first time..
7. I hope I can get my new apartment to be as nice as I have imagined it to be.. I am a nester at heart- that's such an integral part of me.. But abhi tak woh feeling hi nahi aa rahi..
8. One thing is for sure- I am going to miss my current roomies like crazy- I'll still meet them and hang out with them everyday of course, but it's going to be weird to not be living with them! For the record- they have been the best of the fourteen roommates I have had in three years! Honest to God!
9. Have you ever felt like thinking, speaking and writing in Hindi (or your most comfortable language) the whole day? I wish I could type this whole post in Hindi today.. :)
10. I sometimes wonder which place to call my own- I was born in Pune, spent five years in Mumbai, stayed for 9 years after that in Qatar, remaining 9 years after that in Pune again and now three years in the US. People always have so many stories to tell of their childhood in some Indian city- the primary school life, taking those NTS scholarship exams, teachers, sports meets, annual day functions, playing after school etc etc.. I have those too, but no one can identify with them because the environment was so different in Doha.. I loved my days in Qatar, but I also wish I could get a chance to experience proper school life in Pune or Mumbai..
11. I saw Hello Panda biscuits the other day at a frozen yogurt shop and it brought back awesome memories of life in MES Indian School though.. Maybe I like it that I have a different set of experiences than most people... :):)
12. According to me, the whole "let's-just-be-friends" concept is the most f**ked up statement in the whole world. There should be a limit on the number of times someone can apply it in their life..
13. Thankfully, I do not say the above from personal experience.. :P But I still think it holds true..
14. The next person who tells me that guys are uncomplicated is going to get one big rapta from me.. Guys are extremely confused people (just like anyone else..) They just know how to put on a good show of confidence! :P
15. Fourteen minutes to go.. :)
16. Thought for the day- "So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. No body said it'd be easy, they just promised that it would be worth it. Eventually feels a lot better than actually.." This is the reason I love Grey's Anatomy.. :)
17. September 9, 2010- It's funny how some days change your life forever.. I think sometimes we need to be pushed into the deep side of the pool to learn how to swim..
18. Koi engineers (specifically mechanical engineers) pe kabhi movie kyun nahi banata-- I know we cannot develop fancy protein sequences for viruses or wear fancy suits and sign controversial multi-billion contracts or have eccentric lives like artists or write code that can destroy the country's security system, but designing and building machinery can be cool too !!!
19. In the same vein, koi ladkiyon pe DCH ya ZNMD type movies kyun nahi banata! Do you think girls cannot take an adventurous road trip together without being bitchy or shopping the whole time!? That's so cliched! Step up to the challenge, film-makers!
20. I think surprise birthdays are super-awesome- even the ones that happen seven months after your actual birthday! :)
21. I miss the east coast on some days- not Rochester specifically- but I miss Gau-Soumya, RIT and New York City !!!
22. Funny how the smallest of things trigger memories of forgotten events and people- case in point- Honey Bunches of Oats Strawberry Flavor! :P Maybe someone should create a Pensieve where we can store thoughts that never need to be thought of again.. :)
23. I need to find an escape-spot in Davis- a place I can connect with and where I can go when I want to be away from the chehel-pehel of everyday life and just think, or maybe not-think and just be.. :)
24. I want to get a cat!
25. Does married life really change people- I hope not! :(
26. Guys should not talk (excessively) about girls (any girl, even actresses) being beautiful/ hot/ cute in front of other girls- that's just rude! :P I think Hum Aapke Hain Kaun mein aisa dialogue tha! It's true though.. :)
27. I love white chocolate mocha!
28. The mind is such a random instrument.. Never thought it could cross so many dimensions in forty-six minutes!

Alrighty- laundry is done. Now time to post and unpack... :)

And then, it happened- Life!

Sky-diving is one of the must-do items on my list of things to accomplish in life. But like all items on that list- I want it to be just right- with the right people, the perfect weather, knowing that this is the day! Getting a tattoo was like that- it was completely random- my closest friend was going to visit from PA, I was going through a terrible time in my life and the last thing on my mind was a tattoo! She told me that we'd get it done together and the moment she said it- I knew that I wanted one that weekend! I looked up designs online and again, when my eye fell on my design, something about it resonated with what I was looking for.. Even today, every time I look at my tattoo, it brings a smile to my face. It changed something inside of me... Maybe it was a way of knowing that I was in control even though I had no idea what the end-result was going to be...


Moving across the country has been a similar experience. The reality of it did not hit me until I had shipped all my stuff to California already and was sitting at the Rochester airport with one bag, on my way to an awesome Memorial Day reunion with my friends at NYC before heading to CA. I remember a friend texting me - "This is IT !!" I remember packing my stuff in 90 minutes flat- 90 minutes is all it took to stuff my belongings of two years in bags and boxes- and mind you, I am an organized packer! I remember saying good-bye to my advisor and for the first time, wanting to really hug him because I was so overwhelmed and happy! I remember many other very quick good-byes.. I remember walking on the RIT campus, really seeing all the buildings and sculptures, as if it were my first time once again.. Everything else is a blur...

I landed in Davis, California and went to my new apartment and in the first three hours I spent there- my new room-mate had explained her entire health history to me.. Imagine talking about everything from stomach ulcers to uterine cysts with a person you know for fifteen minutes! It was awesome because she didn't care that I was new! :D First day of work at a new company was exciting- the whole razzmatazz of working in a big company etc etc! Tab woh din tha aur aaj yeh din hain.. It's been seven weeks since the move and my darling roommate's health history has already gotten two pages longer (kidding!), there are ten people I can call friends in this new city, I have projects that I am responsible for at work, and life has taken a successful 270-degree turn.. Somehow, through the avalanche of things that have happened in the past year, I landed up exactly where I belonged!

Sky-diving and getting inked give jitters to a lot of people- I know of so many friends who have gotten on that plane at 5000 feet, or have sat on the tattoo artist's chair and chickened out at the last minute. It's not about how gutsy you are actually- I've always believed that when something feels right, all fear goes away. You just have to jump! And trust that the instructor holding you knows what he is doing! :P And once the jump is over, you look back up at the sky and at the parachute on your back and sit wondering - Man, did I really do that ?!! :)

Somehow whenever people say life happened- it always seems to be the reason for failed ambitions or dreams gone awry. But look at it from my perspective and I say- I am so glad it did !!

The thing about "too good to be true..."

You know how people say that if something is too good to be true, it probably is... ?! I seriously hope that these people got it wrong this one time..

Coz after a very very very long time, a lot of good things are happening at the same time, and I so so so hope that all this is as real as it can get.. :)

Anyways, I am a believer in buri nazar, so I am not going to divulge any details until everything is all set, which should hopefully be very soon. Until then, I'm pinching myself every minute and keeping my fingers tightly crossed hoping that this streak continues for a while.. I need it and so I humbly accept it! :)

Musings...

Random things that have happened in the past few days; random thoughts that have crossed my mind..

1. My group of friends from COEP had a reunion of sorts a few weeks ago. We all met at a friend's place in Baltimore and hung out for the whole weekend. I think it was the most amazing, fun time I have ever had in a very very long time. It's weird how things never change with some people, no matter how much time has passed since you last met. I mean I am in touch with a few of my closest friends from college, but I met a few friends that weekend after like 3 years; and it was still exactly the same- actually I think I had more fun with them than we did even when in COEP! Thank God for long-lasting friendships!
2. The weekend in Baltimore also made me feel very old and grown-up.. There we all were- with jobs and cars, discussing about our companies; so many of us are engaged and getting married before the end of this year! Seems like yesterday that we all set foot in the US.. Does time pass this fast, really?
3. Talking about time- I think I have spent so much time now in a transient state that the idea of "settling" in a place doesn't appeal to me anymore.. I mean, I have always been a person who likes to make a place her own- even if it is one side of one bedroom in an apartment- I liked the feeling of owning a place and calling it mine- nesting as they call it. But now, being in one place for too long scares me, bores me and makes me nervous. Do I really have to work in this same company for the next few years now; stay in this same apartment year after year? I think while all people are moving forward, I'm moving backwards.. :P
4. Have you ever played that game where you think back to what you were doing on this day, a year back? I just realized that a year ago, on this day, I was gearing up for a very dear friend's birthday party- planning this big surprise, wrapping up gifts and all...- and today, just a year later, I don't know anything about that friend's whereabouts! We are as good as strangers.. I hate this game!
5. I firmly believe that people maketh a place a home. Windy, snowy, humid, dull, drab, tiny- none of these adjectives matter as long as you have the right people to share it with.. Man is a social animal. Man needs people to make life meaningful- the right people.
6. I always thought new beginnings were exciting- the numerous possibilities, the excitement, the apprehensions- I loved all of that always! But now, I want to go back to things, the way they were. Old is gold. Starting over does not seem fun anymore. Shucks, I am feeling old already! :P
7. Speaking of age- I recently saw the picture of my younger sister on Sari Day in her college in India- man, she looks so grown-up and pretty! I was staring at that picture for 10 minutes, unable to accept the fact that my sister is so grown-up.. I think I am starting to understand how my parents feel when they see us get older each year..
8. That Sari Day also doubled up as Rose Day in her college, so my sister was filling me in on the gossip and happenings of the day.. Apparently one of her friends' boyfriend gave her 143 red roses. Why 143- I asked her, assuming that maybe they had been together for 143 days or something! So turns out that 143 stands for "I Love You" !! Man, have I been out of college for this long?!!?
9. Is it possible to have a job that you love or do all jobs become dull and drab after a few months/years? I mean seriously, I need someone to tell me- is there a job that you can enjoy so much that Mondays don't depress you anymore? You have fun over the weekend, but the idea of going back to work on Monday still seems exciting.. Please tell me that there is a job like that!
10. I miss the World Cup- never have I felt more Indian than I did on the day of the semi-finals and finals! Man, what a game, what a team, what a performance! Hats off to everyone.. I felt happiest for Sachin Tendulkar actually- after 20 years in the sport, I think he deserved at least one WC win to his long list of achievements.. That joy and satisfaction was so evident on his face. Isn't it amazing how one sport can unite the country to this extent?!

Learning to love lemonade and piles of shit..

You know that saying about when you think life has thrown a big pile of shit at you, look at others' pile and you'll want yours back? And you know that other saying about when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade? Well, the last week has been a gigantic lesson in how terrible I have been in following these two commandments!

You see- sometimes we get so blinded by what is happening in our life and how out of control it is getting, that we forget to notice the good stuff around us. Like one of my pregnant friends was telling me about how long she took to realize she was actually pregnant! After the initial joy and surprise had weaned off, the only thing she could think about was how dramatically her life was going to change and how fat and hormonal she was getting and how the baby was going to take over her whole life...blah blah. Until, (now this is very Bollywood), the baby kicked one day! And that is when the reality of it all hit her- she has a baby, her own baby !! How awesomely insane was that (for her :P)! So you see, sometimes you need a kick to realize that while some things may not be exactly what you want, there is a purpose in their coming into your life. And maybe you just need to wait to realize what that is. And maybe someday, after that purpose has been achieved, you may actually get the thing you have wanted all along..

So without divulging too much information- let me just give you a gist of what happened. So while I am an essentially positive person, I go into this cocoon at times where I think that the worst stuff in the world is happening to me and only good things happen to everyone else- I'm sure it happens to a lot of us! So last week, I met two people who have had to deal with more crap than me and who were still so happy and positive and full of love! I'm sure they've had their moments of despair, but they also snapped out of it much stronger- and faster- than me. That was, in essence, the kick in my butt. :P Isn't it oddly unsettling, how knowing of another person's difficulties can make you feel better- quite disturbing actually! But to clarify- it's not that I was happy to know what had happened to those people. I just made me feel that I was not alone in this. And I think that is what we all need- to know that we haven't been singled out.

The only downside of kicks like these are that the effect of the jhatka only lasts a few minutes or days at most. After that, keeping yourself motivated and focused on the good stuff is all up to you. And it is definitely not easy- hell, the boring mundanities in life were designed to bring your spirit down. But then, that is where the challenge lies. You need to keep going back to that inspirational moment, and reliving it to remind yourself that all what is happening is good. I cannot tell you how many times I have written positive stuff like this on my blog, just so that I can inspire myself whenever I read it. This sine wave of emotions can get frustrating at times- the hope can feel fake and one tends to gravitate towards the negative because it feels more comforting and real. But I think the best way out of it is to think about what is going to help you move forward in life- the despair or the belief in good? And once you have identified that, just hang on to it and do not stop- EVER.

So, for possibly the ten-thousandth time in my life- I have made a list of fifteen goals I want to accomplish by the end of this year- some are long-term while others are short-term, so as not to overwhelm me too much! I do have a tendency to give up when things start getting a little difficult, which is why I have actually written this down on my blog this time. So that whenever I read this, I am reminded that I should really really really work towards checking them all off my list by December 2011 !!

May the force be with me! :D

When book covers lie..

I was reading the blog of a friend recently who I have known for about three years now- we are not exactly close, but I cannot call him just an acquaintance either. I have always had the impression that he is a happy-go-lucky kinda guy, whose predominant thoughts are similar to most guys in their 20's- sports, beer, girls, food, cars, Wii games and porn- I know that sounds very judgmental, but I am 95% it's true! :P So anyway, I came across his blog and expected posts of a similar nature. What surprised me was that he had in fact written about a lot of intense topics- thoughts of a very introspective nature, which he had obviously given a lot of thought and emotion to. Reading those posts made me realize how wrong I was in forming an opinion about him. If I hadn't read his blog, I would have probably never known he was even capable of thinking so deeply about life and its associated aspects. What surprised me even more is that he never showed this side of him to most people- I bet most of his friends don't even know he writes a blog.

Are a lot of us like this? Maybe on a very unconscious level, we end up adapting our external persona to the people around us, so that they would like us and want to be with us. Maybe man's innate need for social acceptance causes him to be less than true to his own nature. For example, you may have some strong views on religion, love, moral issues- topics that tend to be a little off-beat and controversial in some cases. If you know that your friend circle is not going to be receptive to your views, then you refrain from bringing up a discussion on it. Instead, you prefer talking about Sachin Tendulkar, the earthquake in Japan or Katrina Kaif's latest movie- topics that you know would make you seem "normal". :P That could be one of the reasons blogging or writing is so therapeutic- we have control over who reads what we write and hence, it eliminates the need to develop this facade around us. Of course, some of us are lucky enough to meet at least a few people in our life who we can be our honest, true self with- no judgment made, no opinions formed, no advice given unless asked for.

This is probably why we one of the earliest lessons we are taught in life are to never judge a book by its cover- or in this case, never judge a book until you have read it half-way through- you never know what surprises are going to spring up! Like in this case, I definitely have a new-found respect for this guy after reading his blog. Wouldn't life be so much simpler if human nature wasn't so complicated...

P.S.- Maybe just out of curiosity, I should ask some of my friends what they think of me after reading my blog- does it serve as an extension of who I portray myself to be externally, or does it reveal a completely different aspect of me too? Should be interesting to know if my blog surprises people.. :) Thoughts of readers are welcome..

Inspirational Sunday!

Found this quote on a new blogger friend's blog and I'm reproducing it here because something about this philosophy really resonates with my belief too..

“Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you’re wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart.”

Isn't that just amazing?!?! :-)

Do we always make the most of what we have?

So this is going to be one of those other random thoughts that crept into my head a few days back.. I'm trying not to be so analytical about every thought that crosses my mind, but due to some reason- I can't make it stop! Lol.. Good thing about this new obsession is that it at least provides food for thought for new posts on the blog.. :D

So anyway- you know how the economic situation around in the world, and in the US, in particular, has been in the doldrums for some time now?! Of course you know it.. I think the recession has affected the lives of each and every one of us in some way or the other. So anyway, in such cases- one thing people always talk about is making the most of the options we have on hand. So gone are the days when we could afford to be picky about the kind of job we wanted to do, or the kind of company/city we wanted to work in. Of course, you always apply for a job profile you think would suit your qualifications and interests, but by and large, you take what you get *gratefully*, without complaining too much! So, a job in upstate NY?!- Sure; I hate the snow and desperately want to move away from here- but that can wait for later! For now, a job is a job!

And there's nothing wrong with that- I mean, life is about making the most of the cards that are dealt out to you, right? There's always this ring of fire each of one needs to go through- where we are finding our niche, moving an inch closer to financial and emotional freedom, setting the foundation right. Once that is done, we are free to make our choices and demand what we desire and deserve.

So, is it okay to do that with the other aspects of life too- like in relationships? Most people do not get the chance to tell the perfect story- families are imperfect, people are imperfect. In the case of family, it is something we cannot change. So making the most of the situation is the only way to deal with it. But what about friends and especially, a life partner? When we choose the person to spend our life with- do we usually wait for the right one to come along or do we make the most of what we have? And which option is the right one?

I know most people would like to believe in the former option- that they were patient and believed there was a right one and soon enough, he/she came into their life. But isn't there always this moment of desperation some of us face- this fear of what if, just what if there is no such right one?! Or maybe there is, but they cannot afford to wait. Like, moving back to the job scenario. You have a job in hand, which is not the one you always dreamed of- but it's not bad either. You know there is a job out there that is tailor-made for you, but your OPT status is to expire in a month! Would you take your chances and wait it out? Or would you grab the job at hand? Okay, so I know that real life has no such OPT status expiration date- but I hope you get the idea I am trying to project! :D

I guess all I'm wondering is- in friendships, relationships and even in marriages- both the love and arranged kind- the way I always thought it's supposed to be is that you go with your gut feeling. You just know when the people/person is right for you. But there are times when people opt for the practical approach and take what they get. And then make the most of it. Accept it gratefully and learn to be happy with what they have. Is it okay to do that? And is it being fair to the other person? The obvious black and white answer is an emphatic no, but as always, there exists that gray area where things are not always so clearly defined...